milliways_bar | (no subject)

Mel's not so much lost, as confused and a little worried. She's crouching on the railing of her balcony, one hand down for balance, and staring out over the lake.

Eventually she notices Rachel, but stays still for a few seconds, watching her.

Rachel...isn't as observant as she used to be really. It takes her longer to feel eyes upon her than it once did. She's ashamed of herself, letting her defenses down just because she thinks she's safe.

She almost looks normal, flam ewrithing and wreathing about her, it does the heart good really...until you notice it's simply a well made cloak, keeping her warm despite her insistence at wearing just the layers of bandage beneath. When she lifts her gaze from the waters though, one can tell, she still has a long way to go to heal, and yet she's trying her hardest.

Because she's needed

A gentle question drifts towards Mel, light as the wind and almost as emphereal ::Coming down?::

::I can come up...::

Mel shakes her head.

"Nah, I'll come down," she replies at a quiet speaking tone, even if she knows that Rachel can hear her thoughts louder than her words. Her skaterug emerges from the seat pocket of her pants, and she flies over to join her.

"How're you doing?"

::Didn't kill anyone today. Didn't even come close::

As opposed to yesterday when she'd stopped Hanks heart...by accident of course. ::Still haven't gotten the hang of "hold still this will hurt" though:: she admitted wryly.

She lifted a hand, bandaged fingers reaching out to tug a lock of Meg's hair gently ::And you?::

"Good girl. Not killing people is important."

Mel moves her head gently to let Rachel's fingers brush her face, and carefully lifts her hand to run fingers along the wrist of that hand. Only then is she comfortable slipping into telepathy.

::I've been worse. Getting the hang of this.::

::People always have told me that...:: she agreed with a dry sens eof humor hidden behind shadows and pain. The damage is more apparent with touching it seems, harder to shield it from Mel...

Her hand moves alittle more at the invitation, cupping Mel's cheek gently ::Not a comfortable thing:: she noted ::I wish...:: that it hadn't been necessary? In her mind it hadn't. That it hadn't come with such price? Definately.

Mel shuts her eyes, briefly, letting Rachel's pain in. Back inside, she spends so much effort keeping everything closed from Mike, not letting herself feel him, that now, acknowledging that she can do this is almost a relief. And maybe if she takes some of the pain from Rachel it will help.

::Yeah, me too. Everyone's so worried.::

That's always been one of Rachel's solutions, taking the pain of others to help. Herself and them. It probably comes as no suprise then that she's opening herself up to Mel in much the same way, reaching for fear and anger and hurt...to syphon them away.

::You matter to them, they can't help but worry:: there's an odd, double echo of those words, spoken from Rachel, and from that part of Rachel Mel holds, hidden behind the greater flame of the Phoenix.

Mel doesn't want to burden Rachel too much there, and is much more willing to take her pain than to let her have any of Mel's own. But this opening feels so natural, and so honest, that she finds herself reaching for her just to feel, and to convince herself that it's all right to be like this.

::No one wants to talk about it:: she admits. ::Mikey's scared of me.::

Me, her, it, us. Mel doesn't make the distinction.

For some, it is right. For some, it's one of the few things that let's them be themselves, true and whole, sharing like this. It is never a burden, but a sharing, at least in her mind.

::He loves you. That means he fears for you, and occasionally fears you, and losing you:: Fear is a great part of love after all.

::What...do you hope to do to stop that fear?:: it's a question, a test perhaps. One that always has to be asked, not of the Phoenix, but of yourself...and the day it occurs to the mind that the fear could be removed by Force...then you fear.

Mel doesn't really see it that way, but she's learning to. She's learning what it is to have a connection like this, learning how powerful it feels.

::I don't know. Kitty thinks I should work out a way of letting her go.::

Even thinking that, hurts.

It is powerful, a deep, deep bond, which share dwith the...unshielded can lead to madness at times. Addiction...that's just through being a telepath, being a thought away. You become tied to people you're close to, just be being near them often enough...and it can be wonderful to be that close to someone. Rachel hopes Mikey is equal to the challenge.

Then she nodded her head slowly, perhaps for Mel's passing the test more than for Kitty's suggestion. ::Holding her for long isn't healthy, I do admit...but when she left me, it near destroyed me.::

She let's the silence hold for a time, drawing on everything she can to steady herself. She's not hiding from Mel, no, but this is a very deep wound she's prepared to reveal. ::I was a mistake, Mel. She didn't seek me. She bound to my Mother in that reality..and she was dead, and I needed so much as I was coming through...:: it hurts, dear gods it hurts to admit that.

::She left me as soon as my Mother returned, without a second glance. And yet, when she was with me...she loved me. Unquestioningly:: despite her alien look at life and destruction, despite it all. The first to truly do so without reservation or worry of betrayal.

How could she ask Mel to give up that?

Mel's been shielding herself from Mike ever since that disastrous conversation when she came back. She hasn't reached for him with her thoughts, hasn't let him know what she's feeling, hasn't tried to pry into his emotions.

They haven't hidden so much from each other for as long as they've known each other. And that hurts. Where Rachel was first loved by the Phoenix, the first to show Mel what it was to love and to be loved so completely was a turtle learning himself what is was to be human. And now she's afraid she may lose that.

She leans into Rachels hand as the confession comes, and lets the pain come through. She doesn't need her own experience to understand that, now, she just needs to feel it come through the link.

::How can I survive this?::

And Rachel leans forward, reasting her forehead against Mel's hair and breathing quietly at the sheer enormity of that question. What shoudl she say? Offer? Do?

Rachel herself hides so much, has been close to so very few...

::Show Mikey:: first, perhaps most importantly. ::You don't have to crawl into his mind, just offer to let him in yours, let him see the pain and the wonder and the love...not Phoenix's, but yours. Just let him see. Get that problem sorted for better or worse first. You need him too much to let this continue::

A deep breath and she doens't realize she's crying again. She seems to do that around Mel it seems. ::As for the rest...if you can let her go...let us go...I'll give everything I am to protect you. Know that. I'm not much. I'm truly not, but at least I've felt her before. I could...:: blunt her fury ::...be useful::

Physical contact seems almost pointless, with a mental link like this, but that doesn't stop Mel reaching her hand up into Rachel's flame red hair, running her fingers through it softly, letting her cry.

::He doesn't like it:: simply. ::What happens if it scares him off?:: It's not something Mel wants to think about. She can't survive without him.

::I don't know how:: how to let her go, how to protect herself, how to let Mike in without driving him off or destroying him, how to do any of the things she needs to do.

It's still nice sometimes. Comfort. What she offers in turn, to sooth fear, to help...is a hand. A mental hand to hold, a warm hug...

::I can show you:: she's dealt with most of these aspects all her life. She's had practice. As for the Phoenix...it's a matter of choice to try really.

::I can be there, when you talk to Mikey:: she offered, or she could talk to Mikey first is she likes ::Make sure no one gets hurt...::

And when you get down to it...::Phoenix isn't all bright lights and happiness...she's destroys. Obliterates to make way for new creations, as essentially as she breathes life, she bleeds chaos...rends, tears, destroys...all of us in a heartbeat if she felt the whim or the need...does Mikey have that in him?:: if she had to choose...which would she grasp?

She's not known for asking the easy questions.

It is. And as Mel can't have this mental link without the physical touch, they're inexorably linked, and she draws Rachel to her: gently, ever aware for the condition of her body.

::Thank you.:: She needs to be shown. And she'll accept all the help she can. ::I should talk to him myself. Just the two of us.::

::He...:: he'd do anything for her, she knows that. He'd follow her to the other end of the universe, to Hell if he could. He's strong and brave and compassionate and he loves her, and she doesn't think there's anything he can't do.

::I'm scared to find out.::

Mel's more aware of Rachel's body than she herself is, it's like seeing herself through another's eyes, becoming aware of that care. Rachel is far to used to pushing on despite. TO use dto driving herself, and she admits that. She'll take more care, she will.

::I will show you:: she promised gently, ever so gently. They're hard lessons, the ones coming. Learning how far a mind can be taken, pushed, read, prodded before snapping. Danger signs, warning, fears and defenses...painful in self-awareness, painful in practicing.

It should take years of careful learning, controlled by a greater telepath...Mel doesn't have that time. ::You'll hate me before you're ready:: she sighed, sadly, inevitably. ::But I promise not to allow anything until you're ready...::

She's scared too.

It's just one of those things that comes of ever being stronger than everyone else: one learns to be careful of others.

::I don't hate easily.:: she's seen humanity at its lowest, known pain and anger and betrayal, but her temper runs hot and fast, and she's never been able to hold on to it enough to hate anyone.

A deep, steeling breath, and Mel pushes her fears away. It's a practiced, familiar action, the warrior before battle. ::I'm ready::

Exactly, one takes the lessons necessary, learns the contol, or they destroy themselves. Doesn't mean she can't wish it was otherwise.

::I may hold you too that:: she admitted honestly. ::I may drag you back to this conversation, hold up that remark, and ask for forgiveness...:: most anger burns quick and hot, hers as well, she knows that. But somethings crystallize into hate in the hottest furnaces of brief rage don't they?

And there's the Phoenix...so driven by emotion...

She'll be playing with fire it seems. It's alright, she does it all the time.

A gentle kiss is pressed to Mel's forehead ::Not yet. Get a good nights rest if you can, eat a heavy meal. You'll burn up alot in our lessons. I'll get as stable as I can...then we'll begin. We'll start the lessons here:: yes, the lake. Where else?

Some things do. Others burn away into ash. Mel's always known the latter. Maybe the fire of the Phoenix will teach her otherwise, maybe not.

::Here:: she confirms. ::Thank you, Rachel::

Rachel can't judge what each person learns from the Phoenix, she won't even begin to try. Instead she just hugs Mel once more before stepping back, leaving just that hand clasp with Mel...

::Of course:: Always. Mel never had to ask.