milliways_bar | (no subject)

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Javert had been planning to avoid the bar for a while, because of reasons. But when the door started showing up every time he tried to leave a room, he eventually just rolled his eyes and gave in.

If he happens to spend the entire day outside, well, he just prefers being outside. He exercises the young horse of Teja's people, he builds until he can longer lift another brick. When all work is done, he can be found sitting on the ground, his back against a large boulder (and if it happens to conceal him from view of the bar, that is a coincidence perhaps), idly sketching the lake.

And also possibly trying not fall asleep.

[OOC: Catchable anywhere! Open for a few days. <3

ETA: Time to crash for the night, though. Catch ya tomorrow.]

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"I know what the church has been teaching over time, and I know what I believe," Father Harman says. "Now, I am curious what you think."

He sighs, and runs his hand over his face. He is too tired to think properly, and it is hardly as if he enjoys it at the best of times.

'The worst thing about sin is the harm it does to the soul. And in a civil sense, the harm it does to society.'

This would actually have been his answer before everything happened, but probably in the opposite order.

"What harm does it do to the soul, do you think?" Father Harman asks.

'How should I know? It is not my domain.'

He stops agitating the pencil between his fingers, and looks in the direction of the forest. it is only a far-off movement at the corner of his eye that makes his look up, and then he frowns at the sight of someone on the mountain.

'You tell me, Father.'

"Sin separates man's soul from God," Father Harman says. "That's what is what's worst about it. It's not about others condemning us, it's about ourselves."

'Of course. We are born with it. Even after baptism, we can never get away from it. There is no way to be fully with God.'

Maybe after they die. But he is not sure even then, and it shows.

"What do you think works best for getting closer to God?" Father Harman says. "What does God want from you?"

'I do not know.'

It is an immediate response.

'I thought I knew and I was wrong. Michael told me as much. I have no idea any longer, and while I do not think I am angry at God any longer, I also cannot give you an answer to either of those questions.'

"And there is no ready answer," Father Harman says. "What does God want from his creation? What did he create everything for? Why does he want independent existence more than non-existence, and the void of a quiet, ordered, anorganic universe?"

'Stop. Please.'

Even on a day when he were fully awake, he would not be able to make any sense of these things.

'If you are trying to make a point, Father, I do not know what it is.'

"I'm not trying to make a point," Father Harman says, almost gently. "I'm simply curious as to what you think, Javert."

'But why? It hardly matters.'

No one before here has ever wanted to know what he thinks - which is just as well - and for this to come so suddenly, and when he is least in a position to answer, makes it seem a little like an ambush.

'There are plenty of men who understand better than I. Ask them, Father. I do not wish to consider it; I will live, and then I will die, and God will do with me as he pleases.'

"Haven't you been thinking about questions like that while you were stuck here?" Father Harman says.

'Yes, of course.'

He looks down, his voice a mutter.

'But I was wrong, of course, and then wrong again, and now wrong once more. I cannot get it right, and no longer have the will to try. I will do what I must, as I always said I would, and then God-'

Perhaps he is still a little angry at God. Perhaps he is simply still convinced he himself does not deserve to think of Him. Mostly he just wants his brain to be still as it used to be.

'I do not think any of us are supposed to understand.'

"Interesting though," Father Harman says. "Why do you think that is?"

Interesting for Harman is painful for Javert.

'That we are not supposed to understand?'

His face twists into something like a sneer, just for a second.

'A test of faith, I suppose. Or trust.'

"Trust?" Father Harman says. "So you've decided to trust God?"

'Did I ever not?'

He is not sure his anger went that far.

'I have no choice but to accept certain things, it seems. I have been assured that I have not been found wanting; that I will not be damned for things outside my control; that there is still a chance of redemption. What can I do but trust?'

"Are you happy about that?" Father Harman asks.

There is visible hesitation.

Then, the smallest of shrugs.

'If I have no choice, it hardly matters what I feel about it.'

"It does," Father Harman says.

'No.'

Not at all.

'What is the point of fighting something you can do nothing to change? There is nothing to do but accept it.'

He does not have to like it - and indeed does not - but actively railing against things has not got him anywhere so far. And he cannot keep doing it. It has almost killed him enough times.

"Why would you fight it?" Father Harman says. "Trust in God can give you peace."

'It has not for more than a year now.'

He stands abruptly, brushes his trousers off and leans against the boulder. Not leaving, but unable to just sit and be pinned by questions.

'But I do not think there can be much more to surprise me, so perhaps the trust can settle once more.'

Javert has only ever been at peace within the law. It will take a while to reconcile himself fully to anything else.

"I hope it can," Father Harman says. "Trust in God doesn't have to mean dogged, unhappy acceptance of things you hate happening in your life."