milliways_bar | (no subject)

"Yes," he replies. "I dislike arguing with you, despite how often we seem to do it."

"You always say that if we aren't fighting, we're fucking." He sips his coffee pensively. "I'd say we're better at the fucking, overall."

He glances over at Namo. The can I come sit with you? is unspoken.

Responded to with a yes, please, do not stay over there glance.

"You know it is not true," he mumbles. "We do other things together besides argue and sex."

If they do, he can't think of any, but he keeps his mouth shut about that for the time being and heads over with his coffee to sit next to Namo.

He takes Lee's hand when he is seated.

"You are quiet suddenly..."

"It's nothing." He brushes his thumb over the back of Namo's hand.

He kisses Lee's cheek.

"You are certain? I do not want to argue with you anymore. Gorlim wishes for us to cease our fights," he mentions guiltily. "He tells me they make his head ache and his nightmares worse."

He's even quieter upon hearing that. But how can it affect Gorlim like that? Lee doesn't feel it through the bond when Gorlim and Namo fight--

That's because they don't.

"...shit."

He sighs.

"I dislike him hurting," he says. "I also know you do. We must discover what it is that encourages arguments between us."

"Personality clashes?" he suggests dully. "I argue with everyone. I'm trying to cut down..."

He wraps his arms around himself.

"Namo, what do we do besides argue and have sex?"

"Do you believe it is simply a clash of personalities between us? It seems odd that we should love one another and clash in such a way..."

He does not like seeing Lee hold himself like that, but he does not like that question even more.

"We... well, we..." He thinks over the last few weeks, looking for what they had done other than those two activities, and finds he can see nothing.

"How can we love each other if that's all we do?" he asks, very quietly. "You say your relationship with Gorlim is based on mind-sharing--I hardly even know what that is. You never tried it with me. Do you think I'm too shallow for it to be worthwhile?"

His eyes lift to Lee in surprise.

"It is not the only thing Gorlim and I share. We share music and poetry, discuss life and death, play hide and seek in the woods and chase each other through the snow -- what we share with our minds and souls is something special and intimate. It was what he thought I only desired of him, which is why he stopped bedding me. Now, though, there is more balance -- physcial, mental, spiritual."

Námo stops his rambling, justifying that there is so much he and Gorlim share.

"I did not realize having that was so important to you. I did not want force you or pressure you into it, make it seem more to me than what we do physically. I did not wish to repeat the same mistake with you that I did with Gorlim. You had not seemed too enthusiastic about the bond in the first place, use it rarely to speak or touch..."

Now you have everything you want from Gorlim. No wonder you were so willing to get rid of me last night.

He doesn't know if he truly believes that or not. But every point Namo enumerates about his relationship with Gorlim just stings more and more, because Lee doesn't have any of it.

Why wouldn't Namo want to make it seem like more to him than what they do in bed? Shouldn't it be?

You and Gorlim. Always comparing yourselves to each other. I have yet to see the point of that.

He sighs, sipping his drink again.

Equals. Do you even know what that means? It means I love you as I love him with equal intensity. You opinion matters just as much as his does -- your desires and needs are no less important to me than his. It does not mean that I love you identically. It cannot happen. He thinks he lacks in bed skills when compared to you, but it is not true. He is simply different in his loving.

Again, I am sorry I did not try harder. It was never my intent to make you beg for the intimacy of mind and heart. Tell me, Lee -- if I took you up to bed at this moment and loved you as fully as I have him, would you resent it believing I am only doing it because you asked or would you believe that it was something I truly desired of you?

His eyes shift to Lee.

You do not know how much I have ached to have that with you -- but... you are so very different than him and I... sometimes do not know how to express what I want or need to you.

"You express perfectly well what you want and need from me. It's not hard because it isn't much. You just say it is, in order to keep me quiet. Saying you 'love me differently' just sounds like PC bullshit for 'you're a good fuck and I don't feel like giving that up.'"

Now he glares at Lee, withdrawing his mind some from the man's.

"Do you truly believe that?" he asks in a dangerously quiet voice.

"Tell me, then," he says, every bit as quietly. "What kind of 'different love' doesn't get expressed through any way but sex whenever Gorlim's not available? Or is this some deep, poetic thing I'm just too shallow to get? Please. Explain. I'd love to hear."

His jaw clenches in anger.

"You make yourself sound like a whore, Lee."

"Maybe if you all stopped treating me like one, it wouldn't be a problem," he snarls, voice low.

"You know what? Maybe that's how it's supposed to be. Gorlim gets your mind and soul, I get your body, the way we had it before. Love him and fuck me, eh? That worked just fine, right? You can drop the pretense of actually loving me and go back to using me for the occasional orgasm. We don't even need to talk, really. That's what we have Gorlim for."

"We haven't slept with one another since I came to you and showed you I loved you -- and yet I continue to seek you out. Desire your company. We have not properly kissed in some time, either, but somehow I manage not to bend you over this table and take you in front of all present."

He turns his furious eyes to Lee.

"What the fuck is it you want from me? If it is not sex, then it can stop. If it is my love, you fucking have it. My heart and soul? Shut the hell up, come upstairs, and I will happily give them to you. But, dammit Lee, stop this nonsense!"

"But why do I always have to beg you before you'll let me have them?" he demands helplessly. "If you're really all that willing to give me your heart and soul like you did Gorlim, why did it never even occur to you to offer until I asked? Did he have to ask? Why is it that all you ever offer of your own accord is sex?"

He stares down at him.

"No, he did not have to ask. I offered. Repeatedly before he accepted. I do not know why I have not offered it to you. It was not something crossed my mind when the moments we could have explored it came up. Only at other times did I desire it, but we were either already spent, angry or it was simply an inappropriate time to mention it, let alone drag you away for it."

But why didn't it ever cross your mind? Why was it such an afterthought to you? What is it about me that makes it so impossible for you to associate the idea with me?

He looks back out over the bar. "So we don't have to do it. No huge reason to."

I am always accused of rushing. Of diving into things too quickly. I thought try to do it right this time. It was never an afterthought, Lee, but when we kiss and you touch me... I lose myself in it and anything else I might have wanted is forgotten in what we do.

"If there was no huge reason to, love," he says quietly, gently, "I would not feel such pain from you over it."

He's forced to look away, sick of showing vulnerability.

There's a part of him that honestly does want to stop sleeping with Namo. He wants to see if Namo really would still love him if sex weren't an option anymore. He'll never be sure otherwise. But he can't do that. It would cause needless pain, and he'd miss it himself.

"Would you rather we not have sex for a while?" he asks softly. He would. He could. If it would somehow reassure Lee, he would do it.

You would sense a lie, Lee. Yes, I do. I want that with you. It can even be done without... without any physcial release. Both times I have done so with Gorlim, it has been without physical loving...

That had been Gorlim's choice, of course, and one Námo respected.

He suspects that Namo, being a god and the one who created the bond in the first place, could easily lie through it if he wanted to, even if Lee and Gorlim can't. But he's just playing devil's advocate. He believes Namo, and the reassurance is visible as the tension leaves his shoulders.

"No. I don't want to stop having sex with you. It isn't necessary." For now. Hopefully forever.

He nods once.

"All right."

Námo swallows nervously.

"Come to my room tomorrow night? Spend the night with me?"

He nods, perhaps too quickly for dignity. "All right."

Not that Námo notices.

He again takes Lee's hand. I love you.

And just as he would with Gorlim, he opens the bond to allow the warmth and certainty of his love for Lee flow between them.