milliways_bar | (no subject)

(no subject)

With all the confusion and strangeness of his time as a mortal, it's hard to fault LaCroix for feeling a bit off his stride.

Of course, the fact that he hasn't been able to sense Nicolas recently could be equally responsible. For 800 years Nicolas has been a constant presence in the back of LaCroix's mind. No matter where he was or what he was doing, LaCroix could always find him. Always knew when he was in trouble, irregardless of whether or not he would actually help him.

But now, for some reason, he isn't there. He cannot feel him.

LaCroix does not want to think about why. Only death should be able to bring such an emptiness to the bond.

But this is Milliways. Anything could happen.

He can't help but worry, however.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Nick is, in fact, down in the bar proper enjoying a meal.

Yes...a meal. With food.

He'd asked for venison and had gotten a lovely cut of the stuff medium rare in a red wine sauce. For a man who hasn't had anything to eat for centuries, it's pretty good. The fact that he has a small chocolate dessert to look foward to afterwards should not be forgotten either.

LaCroix spots Nicolas. Relief floods him as he moves towards his side.

He doesn't rush towards him. After all, it just wouldn't be poised enough for him to rush. But perhaps he moves faster than usual.

Until he spots the food. He raises an eyebrow as he steadfastly ignores the memories of his own foray into mortal cuisine.

"What could you have done to have earned such a fate, Nicolas?"

Somehow, he has a hard time picturing Nicolas pissing off Loki. It's just not in him.

A thousand different answers come to him, different sins that would meet the requirements to have earned a punishment of any kind. A few of his triumphs, of the good things he's done, come up as well...

He's not sure which would actually fit.

"I asked."

It is the truth, after all.

"You...asked?"

Catches on quick, doesn't he?

He invites himself to across from Nicolas, steepling his fingers in front of him as he watches him.

"Why?"

There are alot of other things he would like to say right now. Pain and anger and confusion war within him. Emotions he would never have acknowledged previously. But he holds it all back and waits, covering it with an air of vague amusement.

He will hear his reasoning first.

"Of late, more than ever," he says, putting the fork and knife down and pulling the glass of wine to him for a sip, "I have found myself...not in control of myself. There was, of course, the...darker aspect of myself. And then there was the demon which had hidden within me. I...I was used, twice, to nearly beat Alex to death. I could not allow myself to be used as a weapon again."

He looks and faces LaCroix head on.

"I will not."

LaCroix blinks.

It certainly wasn't the answer he had been expecting, if he had been expecting any answer at all.

"So you did this to yourself? To protect... him? You have given up eternity... for that?"

LaCroix seems to be having a hard time grasping this situation. Poor boy, he's so very slow sometimes.

"Congradulations. Instead of a danger you are now a liability."

"A liability can die," he says, very quietly, "and he can move on. A danger he would have to fear the rest of his life."

He looks to LaCroix then before nodding.

"Yes, I gave up eternity. For him, I would give up that...and more."

"You would coddle him in such a manor? Weaken yourself because he could not be strong enough to be with you? Why?"

It is a concept completely beyond LaCroix. That anyone would want to do that... that Nicolas would be willing to subject himself to that, for someone who obviously did not deserve him...

As paradoxical as it may seem, even when LaCroix was afraid of Nicolas, he did not fear him. That anyone who knew Nicolas could seems completely absurd. He had known the little toy was cracked in the head but this goes beyond that.

"He does not deserve you, Nicolas. Not if he could not accept you. All of you."

"Who I am...is--was not the vampire. He accepts who I am. He didn't ask this of me, didn't demand it. I made a choice, LaCroix. I chose."

He turns his eyes away from his former master.

Former.

Even the word hurts as he thinks it.

"And if it was the wrong one, then I will pay the price."

"It is not a choice which need remain permanent."

It isn't a threat. LaCroix would never threaten Nicolas. He is merely pointing out that it is indeed quite reversable.

"Think carefully on this, Nicolas. You need not do this to yourself. Do not allow your fear to cloud your judgment. It is not like you to take the cowards way out."

"I wouldn't presume to call my course of action brave...but it is not the coward's way."

He looks to LaCroix.

"To willingly take weakness over strength, eventual death over eternal life? I...can't say if it is wisdom or folly, only that it seems to help...and I know now, in my heart, that he is that much safer."

"It is a cowardly thing you do, Nicolas. Do not play your martyr's game by pretending that it is anything else. You were afraid for your toy, but instead of holding your own and facing your demons you have run from them yet again. You are hiding yourself behind the guise of mortality, so you do not have to face what it is that truelly frightened you."

LaCroix shakes his head sadly. He had thought better of Nicolas.

"Live with your decision, if it is what you want, but at least examine your actions for what they really are. Do not insult what I gave you by masking it with your guilt."

"And do not insult the man I am by painting things with your own guilt. One cannot hide behind himself, LaCroix. It is not hiding to be mortal. Vampires hide. They hide behind time, behind age. They hide behind the knowledge that mortal death will carry away their sins and mistakes. A mortal cannot hide, LaCroix."

He looks to his food a moment before picking up a piece.

"As long as I was a vampire, I could blame all upon my condition. Now that I am but a man...I will have to discover how much of the darkness was me...and how much was the vampire."

"Then face your darkness, Nicolas. Know yourself as I knew you. See yourself as I saw you. And then you will return to me. You are no better as a man then you were as a vampire, Nicolas. Do not think your new found mortality can change that."

"If you love something, let it go..."

And he looks to LaCroix. He knows the end of the saying. And they both know LaCroix's somewhat twisted version.

LaCroix will know which one he means.

"Nothing can change who I am, LaCroix."

Not even Alex. Not even you.

LaCroix offers Nicolas a sad smile as he shakes his head.

"I would not kill you, Nicolas. If you could not find your way back to me, you would not be worth my time."

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only