milliways_bar | (no subject)

One word, wary, hesitant:

"Where?"

"It's called Prison 42. It's ..."

(I don't want to go back to that place)

"Apparently it ... affects people who spend any length of time there."

Carefully, Kaylee says, "That don't tell me very much."

"Affects their state of mind."

A beat, and Simon gives a sigh that says why mince words? and says, low and quick:

"It drives its inmates insane."

Kaylee visibly pales.

"And -- she won't let -- "

"You see why I was considering the sedative." His voice is dry, with some effort.

It's hard to tell whether or not she does see it; his words and his tone have shut Kaylee up pretty effectively.

Only a few people are better at making Kaylee feel young and stupid.

(One of them is his father.)

He knows that look, by now.

"...ai ren, I'm sorry, that's not what I ..."

"Forget it." Low, and toneless. "It's fine."

He's not okay, and neither is she. It comes out in bad ways. She knows that.

He didn't mean it to sound accusing. But it looks as though that's how she took it.

Very quietly: "It's a bad situation and I don't see any good way out of it."

"Reckon there's not." Nothing in her voice changes, and Kaylee doesn't look up.

Feeling young and stupid makes you feel useless, and considering the situation --

It's not helping.

Simon studies his plate.

There's a few fragments of lettuce still on it.

The thing is: resentment builds up.

The thing is: Kaylee doesn't like feeling young and stupid, and the last two people who did that got yelled at.

The thing is: Simon is under a hell of a lot of stress, and she doesn't need to add to it.

The thing is: what Mal said, a while back, stung like hell.

For someone who was supposed to teach an Endless about love, you don't trust it very much.

She takes a moment -- a long one -- to think before saying, very quietly, "I guess you can take that tone with me when it's got somethin' to do with God, or how the 'verse works when things don't go rational. But I really wish you wouldn't do it when it's somethin' real, and it's plain folks that aren't makin' sense, and you got information that I don't that you aren't tellin' -- and here you are sayin' things don't sound like you at all, and expectin' me to sit back and agree with it like I know everything you do. I'm not stupid. And I can't do that."

It's the quietness that catches him the most off-guard. That accentuates the feeling of ... of mental whiplash.

"...Kaylee, I don't ..."

I never implied you were stupid, is what's coming to mind. Except clearly he did, somehow.

"...is that what I sounded like?"

"Hell yes. You sounded like it was about gorram time I finally got to see things your way, since you had to go through the whole gorram explanation." Now -- just a little frustration leaches into her voice. "I wasn't there, and you didn't talk about it. And that's not my fault."

The words that come to mind, and she doesn't know why, and she doesn't say them: For once.

He just looks at her for a moment.

"That's not what I meant," he says finally. "At all."

"So how'd you mean it?" And now she just sounds tired.

"...More or less the way I said it. I know I didn't give you the whole story, and this was an important piece of it, and it probably influenced my taking into consideration something I ordinarily wouldn't have. I wasn't ... blaming you for disagreeing."

Pause. "Especially since it's something I was conflicted about in the first place."

She nods, and for a moment she doesn't say anything.

And then Kaylee looks up, and she asks, "How come you didn't tell that part of it?"

"It didn't seem ..."

He trails off, and starts again.

"It's difficult to talk about."

It's an admission. Almost a confession.

Her eyes are on him. Have been on him.

Now Kaylee touches the back of his hand, lightly, and then covers it, curling her fingers around so the tips press against his palm.

His hand curls around her fingers.

"I should get back to work," he says softly, but makes no move to get up.

Her gaze is clear, and warm, and worried. "I want you to know I'm bein' good and not tryin' to convince you that a night off might help."

That gets a smile; wan, but genuine.

"I appreciate it, xin gan."

For a moment she looks wistful -- but she won't.

Instead Kaylee resolves to come up with some decent kind of surprise for him when this is all over with.

Meanwhile: "And if you're gonna get back to work...reckon I should start."