milliways_bar | (no subject)

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It turns out that Al has a lot more time on his hands now that he doesn't have Tina on them. Not that he's complaining, mind you--her voice could take the paint off a battleship from half a mile away. He is very happy to be done with her again.

While it lasts, anyway.

In the meantime, he is settled in at a table near the bar, enjoying a cigar and some coffee. His only plans for the evening involve the sign placed before him on the table, that reads simply: Advice

Go on, ask him anything. He's probably got an answer. Either way, it's free.

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"I've had a few in my time," he says. "Anything in particular about them?"

I've had some complaints.

It's something he's been thinking about.

From people who want to take it with them.

"...uh. People want to take sandwiches with them? That's a little strange, but maybe they figure they'll get hungry?"

They need the reminder of food, Death agrees.

But I just can't do jam.

"Too messy? The sandwiches get all soggy and the jam falls out and everything gets sticky? You could try offering them some other kind of food--there's got to be something better."

Yet they still insist on jam.

"Have you tried offering them astronaut ice cream? It's probably the least messy food there is, and the novelty might distract them from wanting jam."

What is astronaut ice cream?

"It's freeze-dried, so it's like... dehydrated bricks of ice cream. It doesn't need to be kept cold, it doesn't leave crumbs, it comes in little foil packages. It's great stuff."

I should offer that, if people try to bring jam sandwiches?

"It's worth a try," he nods. "Tell them they won't need their sandwiches, and hey--astronaut ice cream! It's better than jam sandwiches. They can have jam sandwiches any day, but it's not every day they can have astronaut ice cream. Even astronauts don't get it every day."

Better than jam, Death repeats, trying it out.

Some people can be very stubborn

"Oh, I know," he says. "But sometimes, if you know what's best for them, you just have to be more stubborn. Understanding, but stubborn."

You'd be surprised just how difficult the recently dead can be.

"Are they... mostly in shock, and not wanting to accept that they're dead? I can imagine that'd be a problem."

They usually accept it after seeing me, Death says. It's the ones who are expecting me that are the worst. They have a... sense of entitlement.

"How do you mean, like... 'Hey, you're coming to take me away, the least you could do is wait while I finish watching this episode and drinking this beer'?"

Yes, Death agrees.

Though humans I work with seldom have episodes to watch.

"Ah... before TV? That's probably for the best--people get obsessed about their TV."

Al has absolutely never been late to help Sam on account of televised sports, oh no.

Alternate to 'tee vee', Death explains, carefully. It is unlikely this device will come into regular use in the reality within which I operate.

"Same sort of thing, though? Brings entertainment into people's houses, sometimes decent, sometimes mindless, and there's never anything good in the middle of the night or the middle of the day?"

No, Death says.

At least, I don't think so.

"Good," he says. "People are better off without it. It kills the imagination, and there really isn't much good on, most of the time."

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