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milliways_bar2010-09-01 06:11 pm
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(no subject)
It will be as if I'd never existed
(You... don't... want... me?)
as if I'd never existed
never existed
(Take care of yourself.)
never
never
never
OCTOBER.
Bella Swan is in the Bar, physically.
(I'm not hurt.)
She's curled into a chair by the fire, staring. Staring. Staring. A cup of hot apple cider has grown cold in her hands.
(You... don't... want... me?)
as if I'd never existed
never existed
(Take care of yourself.)
never
never
never
OCTOBER.
Bella Swan is in the Bar, physically.
(I'm not hurt.)
She's curled into a chair by the fire, staring. Staring. Staring. A cup of hot apple cider has grown cold in her hands.
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"Child, what's wrong?"
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It slips out before she can mentally correct it to the answer she's been giving to idle questioners at school. To Charlie. To people who come into Newton's.
Nothing. It's the word that defines her life now. But she slips and speaks the accidental truth because she's here, and here is supposed to be safe.
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She moves quickly over to hug Bella.
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The warmth doesn't reach her. It doesn't help. It's just something else she has to go through the motions of.
Her voice sounds tiny and hollow even to her; she hasn't been using it much more than she has to.
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"Has someone taken him?"
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She shakes her head.
"His family had to move."
That's the official story. It's even the true story. It just isn't the whole story.
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The edge of summer storms is in her voice, Demeter hates when anyone has to do anything.
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It was her fault.
Of course everyone thought so, even if they couldn't possibly know.
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"I've had too many people tell me what I must do. I'm sorry that someone made your love leave. That's not right."
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If possible, Bella seems to shrink even more. The fingers of one hand automatically reach up to trace the still-pink scar on her arm where glass had cut it.
The stitches have been taken out by now, by the wrong person. She couldn't remember who, or even when. Just that this fading line was the mark of her failure.
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Maybe she'll find some answers there, Demeter's quite worried by how withdrawn this girl is.
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Bella is vaguely aware that one might come to the conclusion that Edward had somehow hurt her; she saw suspicion in Charlie's eyes when he'd pressed her for details. She's quick to add more to her explanation, and this time she can even tell most of the truth.
"It was my fault. He was trying to protect me."
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Trying to save someone rarely goes simply in Demeter's experience, so she doesn't question the explanation.
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She can't really get into details without explaining how Edward and his family are all vampires, and she won't betray their secret. They still come here. That in itself is a good part of the reason why Bella didn't walk directly back out the door.
"I think it was too hard, and he just got tired of it. Anyone would get tired of having to look out for someone as accident-prone as me."
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Demeter thinks a man like that probably isn't good for this young woman, but she won't say it aloud.
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Bella tries to focus. The words tended to repeat themselves in whatever order felt the most painful at any given time.
Today, it is the hopeless ones; the ones that dealt with forever.
"He said it would be like he never existed."
He was wrong.
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Though it is a strange thing to wish himself gone forever from the life of the woman he loves, perhaps he's cursed.
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He'd said something about how time was supposed to heal all wounds. Her memory isn't perfect, and he hadn't left her anything to remember him by.
She had the vague idea she was supposed to be getting over it.
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This is more than just a young girl who's lost her boyfriend, there's depth there and Demeter wants to understand.
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"It's fine. There are just things I promised I wouldn't talk about."
It's kind of silly to avoid mentioning vampires when one is talking to a goddess, but Bella had promised.
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She can't make sense of it yet. It's too tied up in thoughts that hurt too impossibly to contemplate much.
"He said he didn't want me to come with him."
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Bella can't think of a way to explain that doesn't add up to his brother almost ate me and that upset everyone.
"Their situation is different. Milliways-level different, not alternative-parenting-styles different."
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Demeter wants to ask, but she has a feeling that she won't be able to. Maybe she can at least get their names so she can learn on her own.
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It's not that she thinks Demeter can't keep a secret, or wouldn't be able to tell on her own if she met any one of them. It's just that she'd like to keep her promise so long as it's in her power to do so.
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"Um. This morning, I think."
Charlie tends to make sure she's eating, and she doesn't want him to worry. She gets lunch at school, but sometimes she forgets mid-meal that she's supposed to be doing anything with it until the bell rings.
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Bella shakes herself out of dull complacency enough to force a tiny smile of what she supposes is gratitude. Her emotions feel a thousand miles away, inaccessible through the fog that took over when she could make the pain recede.
But it was worse when people worried, so she tried to make them not worry.
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"Start on that, while I pour the tea."
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It is hard, especially now that talking has reminded her of how much she could hurt. The semi-permanent lump in her throat has come back. But she tears off tiny pieces of the enormous bun, figuring she can take a while to eat it and maybe have lulled herself back into comfortable unfeeling by the time she finishes or gives up and goes home.
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Demeter is quiet, for now she will simply be there if Bella wishes to talk again and drink her tea.
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