milliways_bar | (no subject)

As far as film prefrences go, romance ranks at the bottom of the list where Stitch is concerned. Of course, he's only ever been exposed to human cinema. And he's never been one to avoid crazy shit on or off the screen.

Midway through a particularly zany scene a queyring growl is directed at Karkat from somewhere in the vacinity of floor level.

Karkat looks down at what looks like a very small juvenile cholerbear. "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?"

Stitch draws his ears back slightly at the strangers tone. You wanna do grouchy? He can do grouchy.

"Gaba ika tasoopa?"

A claw is jabbed helpfully in the direction of the crabtop's screen.

He pauses the movie, then leans over more, craning his neck. "...ARE YOU SENTIENT?"

"DO YOU WANT UP SO YOU CAN SEE BETTER, OR DO YOU WANT AN EXPLANATION?"

Stitch pulls a face. He's perfectly capable of getting up on his own. This is demonstrated as he scales a neighboring stool.

"Whassat?"

He tilts his head towards the screen again. This answers both questions clearly enough. He seems to think so anyway.

Yup.

"IT'S A MOVIE, NUMPNUTS."

"IT IS ABOUT ALL THESE DIFFERENT ASSHOLES PURSUING DIFFERENT KINDS OF ROMANCE AROUND TWELFTH PERIGEE'S EVE AND SOME OF THE STORIES INTERSECT AND SOME OF THEM DON'T."

"THIS PART IS DURING THE INVASION OF CRAY 6 AND THE BUMBLING BLUE BLOOD IS TAKING CREDIT FOR THE TANK HIS MATESPRIT BLEW UP, BUT HER MOIRAIL IS REALLY UPSET ABOUT IT AND IT LOOKS LIKE SHE IS GOING TO HAVE TO MEDIATE AND WRECK THEIR QUADRANT, AND THEN MEANWHILE THIS GUY IS TRYING TO FIND HIS LUSUS WHICH IS CANOODLING WITH HIS KISMESIS' IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BATTLEFIELD, WHICH THESE OTHER CHARACTERS ARE SEEING... AND WELL, IT'S KIND OF COMPLICATED."

A lot of stuff is blowing up for a romance movie.

Thirteen is just sidling up to the bar to get a drink when she spots the troll and his movie. She'll appreciate it eventually, the narration is sure, but at the moment, she's left trying to wrap her head around- what the hell is happening on screen?!?!

There's a spaceship, and some people with horns are getting extremely personal. It is difficult to tell if they are making out or fighting. That is what is happening.

Thirteen's head tilts to one side, and, if Karkat doesn't object, she's just going to edge closer for a better view.

"...some sort of hatesex romance?"

"YEAH," he confirms. "BUT SHE ALREADY HAS A KISMESIS WITH THEIR COMMANDING OFFICER SO IT'S VERY ILLICIT AND COMPLICATED."

"So," she begins, pulling up a stool blindly as she tries to take in the movie. "She's being unfaithful, and trying to start a Kismesis with the one with the sheep-horns?"

"SHE ISN'T TRYING TO, THEY JUST REALLY PISS EACH OTHER OFF. THE THING WITH HER BOSS IS A LOT MORE TAME AND ONE-SIDED."

"IN THEORY IT WOULD BE FINE IF THEY CAN FIND AN AUSPISTICE FOR ONE OR THE OTHER PAIRING TO MEDIATE AND MOVE THINGS TO ASHEN ROMANCE INSTEAD OF A CALIGNOUS ONE, BUT HE'S THEIR COMMANDING OFFICER, SO, SHIT. OH NOW IT'S CHANGING TO ANOTHER PLOT THREAD, THIS GUY'S AN IDIOT."

He falls into a lake on a colony world. There are a lot of giant eels.

Thirteen frowns.

"Sorry for the questions, but, Auspistice? Ashen and Calignous?"

He is busy chuckling at troll Colin Firth, but he pauses the movie to explain.

"ASHEN AND CALIGNOUS ROMANCE ARE THE TWO KINDS OF BLACK ROMANCE. CALIGNOUS ROMANCE IN CONCUPISCENT AND REPRODUCTIVE, ASHEN IS CONCILIATORY AND PLATONIC. BUT YOU NEED THREE PEOPLE FOR AN ASHEN ROMANCE. YOU NEED AN AUSPISTICE TO MEDIATE BETWEEN THE TWO WHO HATE EACH OTHER."

He unpauses it, and his love interest dives into the lake with a pike to save him. There are a lot of action scenes in this romance movie!

"I...think I got that," she says, after a pause to roll that around in her head to make sure she, in face, does get it.

The movie is unpaused, and she watches the ensuing scene with a chuckle as troll Colin Firth spazzes out.

[ooc: Hurray for troll Love, Actually working as a cross-culture learning guide?]

Then there is kissing, and lots of eel blood. "IT IS ALMOST OVER NOW, THE BIG INVASION SCENE IS COMING UP."

"That looks a lot less hate-y than before," watching the couple on screen with a thoughtful look. "Can't be ashen because there's only two of them."

"NO, THIS IS REDROM. THIS IS ORDINARY MATING FONDNESS LIKE HUMANS HAVE. THERE ARE FOUR QUADRANTS IN TOTAL."

"Hmm. So you have the...Kismesis, the ashen one, this Redrom...so what's the fourth, then?"

He pauses the movie again, as the invasion is gearing up. "REDROM AND BLACKROM ARE TWO HALVES OF THE WHOLE THING. HOLD ON, I'LL DRAW A DIAGRAM."

He gets a napkin and a pen, and draws a cross; four quadrants. "THIS SIDE IS RED ROM. THIS SIDE IS BLACK. TOP HALF ARE CONCUPISCENT, BOTTOM HALF ARE CONCILIATORY... REPRODUCTIVE ROMANCE AND ROMANCE THAT... BALANCES THINGS UP, HELPS PEOPLE STAY UNDER CONTROL AND OUT OF TROUBLE."

He draws a heart in the top left. "MATING FONDNESS. LIKE HUMAN LOVE, I GUESS, BUT LESS VAGUE. NOT PROTECTIVE... IT'S ABOUT ADMIRING SOMEONE AND WANTING TO SPEND TIME WITH THEM, NOT PITYING THEM. ENJOYING THEM. THE OTHER REDROM IS MOIRALLEGIANCE." He draws a diamond under the heart, in the bottom left corner.

"YOUR MOIRAIL IS THE PERSON YOU CAN COUNT ON TO WATCH YOUR BACK, TO PULL YOU BACK WHEN YOU ARE LOSING CONTROL, TO KEEP YOU OUT OF TROUBLE. THE PERSON WHO BALANCES OFF ALL YOUR FAULTS, AND VICE VERSA."

"Bits of Moirallegiance sounds like it'd fit with human love as well," she notes, looking over the chart.

"So the reproductive black romance would be here?" she queries, reaching to point at the top right corner, then the bottom right. "And the ashen here?"

He nods, and draws a spade and a club in those squares. "YEAH, THAT'S WHY HUMAN ROMANCE IS SUCH A MESS... YOU USE THE SAME WORD TO EXPRESS LIKE A HUNDRED DIFFERENT EMOTIONS."

"We've never said love is a simple thing for us," she says wryly. "And anyone who's told you differently is lying through their teeth."

"NO, THAT'S WHAT I MEAN... TROLL ROMANCE ISN'T SIMPLE EITHER, BUT AT LEAST WE KNOW WHAT A WORD MEANS WHEN WE USE IT."

In principle, anyway. "ANYWAY WE CALL THE TWO KINDS OF REDROM FLUSHED AND PALE, OR VARIATIONS ON THOSE NAMES. IF I HAD COLORED PENS I WOULD MAKE THEM THE RIGHT COLORS."

Milliways always seems to find Tumnus on his way to the library, this time he does have his books.

He is trotting to a table when he passes Karkat and stops to stare, the images on the screen remind him of some of his nightmares, "What are they doing?"

"ROMANCE!" Karkat says cheerfully.

It looks a lot like fighting.

"It looks painful. What are they? Boggles or perhaps dwarfs?"

Carefully as Karkat seems as if he is probably dangerous too, Tumnus peers at the images.

"THEY'RE ADULT TROLLS," he says, slightly offended.

"AND OF COURSE IT'S PAINFUL, IT'S BLACK ROMANCE. THEY CAN'T STAND EACH OTHER."

Hatesnog!

"Trolls? I'm terribly afraid I don't know what they are. Is that what you are? Black romance is similar to black magic?"

"UGH, I GUESS SORT OF. NOT REALLY." He pauses the film, impatiently.

"YES, I'M A TROLL. WE HAVE FOUR KINDS OF ROMANCE. HALF OF THEM ARE BASED ON POSITIVE LOVEY EMOTIONS LIKE HUMANS AND HALF ARE BASED ON NEGATIVE COMPETITIVE INSTINCTS AND AGGRESSION. THAT HALF IS BLACK ROMANCE. THESE TWO ARE RIVALS AND THEY HAVE BEEN COMPETING AND ANNOYING EACH OTHER THROUGHOUT THE MOVIE AND NOW IT IS BOILING OVER INTO MAKEOUTS."

"Yes, that does make sense. The way that Men who fight together are friends in a way that those who haven't aren't,"

Tumnus understands humans more than he did before but they're still rather strange to him.

"I GUESS SO," he says. "I'M NOT REALLY SURE IF HUMANS CAN HAVE BLACK ROMANCE OR NOT, I GET CONFLICTING ANSWERS." He shrugs.

"ANYWAY WE HAVE NORMAL PLATONIC HATRED TOO BUT BLACK ROMANCE IS MORE ABOUT FINDING SOMEONE WHO REALLY SETS YOU OFF... A RIVAL WHO FORCES YOU TO BE YOUR BEST AND GIVES YOU A PLACE TO VENT YOUR WORST ANGER. TROLLS GET ANGRY A LOT, A LOT MORE THAN HUMANS. THE DIFFERENT KINDS OF ROMANCE ARE WHAT KEEP IT ALL FROM BLOWING UP."

"Humans do many things differently. Yet from the histories of Calormene and Archenland and Narnia, I do think they can do something rather like that. Though at times there is blowing up especially when magic is involved."

"...AND THEY, YOU KNOW, MATE?" Maybe he has been talking to the wrong humans!

"I know that it seems common among siblings, the arguing and pushing to be better. Romance has always seemed gentler but I haven't seen terribly much of that. Fauns and satyrs have a certain amount of chasing involved in our romance but few explosions."

"HUH."

He will have to take that under advisement. "YOU ARE A FAUN, RIGHT? DIDN'T WE MEET BEFORE, FOREVER AGO?"

Tumnus looks at Karkat and frowns,

"Oh yes, I do recall you. I'm terribly sorry for forgetting, those images were rather unusual."

He shrugs. "WHATEVER, IT DOESN'T MATTER. I JUST REMEMBERED YOU BECAUSE I DON'T MEET A LOT OF OTHER PEOPLE WITH HORNS AROUND HERE."

"I have only met one other, the Lord Pan who wears the form of a satyr."

"HIS NAME IS PAN?"

Karkat is judging.

"Yes, why shouldn't it be?"

"I DON'T KNOW, WHY ISN'T YOUR NAME PLATE. OR TABLE."

"Oh, I see, but it has nothing to do with cooking. He is the god of the wilds."

"I'M NOT CONFUSED ABOUT WHO HE IS, I JUST THINK HE HAS A STUPID NAME."

Honestly he's just be disagreeable for the sake of it.

"WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A SATYR AND A FAUN?"

"Satyrs are rather more aggressive than Fauns in Narnia but I have read that in some worlds, we are considered the same."

For a long moment, Noriko just chooses to stare at the laptop--maybe because it's purple and has legs, maybe because of what's on the screen. It's a toss-up, really.

But what she says is: "...What the hell's going on in that?"

"ROMANCE," he says tersely.

It looks a lot like Troll Colin Firth is being savaged by eels.

"Clearly, you have a very different definition of romance," she says, not judging but very confused.

"JUST WAIT." His prospective matesprit leaps into the lake with a pike to save him, and there is, subsequently sloppy makeouts of the "covered in eel innards" variety of sloppy.