First EP

[closesecond]

A bald man with a goatee enters the bar, dressed entirely in black. It doesn't take him long to notice that he is not where he intended to be.

His eyes shift from left to right. General Raveshaw is not here. This is not his conference room. Indeed, he is no longer in Temple Prime at all. If there were a bar inside the Brotherhood's inner sanctum, Kane of all people would know about it. No, this was either an uncannily lucid hallucination (unlikely), or the other side of a transdimensional portal of some sort (also unlikely, but it's the only other explanation).

The second possibility would not occur to most people. But Kane is not like most people.

His eyes do not widen. He says nothing. Instead, he makes his way to a stool and sits down with his back to the bar, arms crossed. If some greater force has summoned him here, It will make Itself known to him shortly. If it has not, that, too, should become clear in time.

He sits there for a moment. Finally, his mouth turns upward to form the semblance of a smirk.

"Impressive decor. You'd think the service would be better here."

Comments

[crabbycustomer]

"OKAY, SERVICE HERE IS BOTH UNIQUELY COMPREHENSIVE AND MORE OR LESS CONSTANTLY AVAILABLE, SO YOUR FEEBLE ATTEMPT AT SMUG UNFLAPPABILITY HAS BEEN FATALLY COMPROMISED BY YOUR IGNORANCE."

The loud, hoarse voice comes out of a corner booth, tucked away out of the obvious sightlines, which holds a grey, horned adolescent. Yellow eyes. Fangs. Folded arms. "IF YOU ARE GOING TO MISTAKE ME FOR A DEMON AND FIRE ANY ANTIQUATED PRIMITIVE FIREARMS IN MY DIRECTION THIS IS THE TIME WHEN THAT GENERALLY HAPPENS, SO GET IT OVER WITH."

[closesecond]

Kane raises an eyebrow. Now that's interesting. It certainly lends some credence to the idea that he's no longer on Earth.

"Really? Well, the bartender seems to be absent. Do things work differently here?

"I can assure you I don't think you're a demon. My guess would be that you're not from the planet Earth, but then you do seem to be able to speak English."

[crabbycustomer]

Karkat rolls his eyes. "FOR THE RECORD, I WAS SPEAKING THIS LANGUAGE LONG BEFORE THE FIRST HUMAN DRAGGED ITSELF OUT OF THE STICKY PINK CESSPOOL OF YOUR EVOLUTIONARY PROCESS. OBVIOUSLY I AM NOT FROM EARTH. I AM NOT EVEN FROM THE HUMAN UNIVERSE."

"THE BAR BEHIND YOU IS A MAGIC PIECE OF WOOD, IT MAKES WHATEVER YOU ASK FOR, WITHIN REASON. IN CASE IT WASN'T OBVIOUS, MAGIC IS REAL, WHICH IS PROBABLY THE ANSWER TO A WHOLE SHITLOAD OF OTHER QUESTIONS CROWDING YOUR QUERY SOCKETS." He sounds deeply, deeply offended with magic for having the temerity to not be fictional.

[closesecond]

Kane processes this for a moment. As incredible as this story might seem, he sees no reason to doubt it. After all, no one needs to convince Kane that there exist things beyond the threshold of human imagination. He already knows of many of them.

He puts on the friendliest smile he can manage. "So this is a magical bar located outside my own universe? I've seen some interesting things in my lifetime, but I must say this is a new one. I'm assuming the way in is some sort of interdimensional portal, but I certainly don't recall ever installing one in my office."

[crabbycustomer]

"IT IS SOME KIND OF APPEARIFIER OR ONE WAY PORTAL, IT GRABS PEOPLE FROM RANDOMIZED LOCATIONS AND DRAGS THEM HERE. IT IS NOT SO MUCH OUTSIDE THE HUMAN UNIVERSE AS LOCATED AT ONE EXTREME TERMINUS OF IT. IF YOU LOOK UP AND TO YOUR LEFT YOU WILL SEE WHAT I MEAN BY A TERMINUS, BUT DON'T DO IT IF YOU'RE GOING TO FREAK OUT, I DON'T WANT YOU TO FREAK OUT ALL OVER ME."

The end of the universe does that sometimes.

[closesecond]

"Ah," he says. For the first time, his voice betrays some hint of wonder at the proceedings. It takes a lot to impress a 6000 year-old. "I see what you mean by 'terminus.'

"Who controls this portal? As apparently random as its appearance may be, this is obviously no accident."

[crabbycustomer]

Karkat snorts. "NO, IT PROBABLY IS A HUGE FUCKING ACCIDENT, THIS PLACE IS FULL OF PEOPLE WHO JUST TURNED THE HELL UP. IF ANYONE IS IN CONTROL OF THE DOOR, WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU ASSUME THEY HAVE SOME KIND OF PARTICULAR BUSINESS WITH OR INTEREST IN OR EVEN MARGINAL AWARENESS OF OR GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOU?"

[closesecond]

"This isn't the kind of cosmic event that occurs spontaneously," Kane says. "At least not in my universe. This bar must have been built and engineered by someone. Unless you know of any naturally-occurring interdimensional bars.

"As for motive...perhaps it's simply arbitrary."

[crabbycustomer]

"WELL, NOBODY IS TAKING CREDIT. PEOPLE GET BLAMED FOR THE GROUNDS, FOR THE MAGIC BAR, FOR THE SEMI-SAPIENT RODENTS, ALL THAT SHIT, BUT NO ONE HAS EVER CLAIMED TO HAVE BUILT THE DOOR OR BUILDING OR RESPITEBLOCKS OR FENESTRATED WALL UP THERE, OR EVEN CLAIMED TO KNOW WHO IT WAS, BEYOND SOME KIND OF THEOLOGICAL VAGUENESS ABOUT A MYSTICAL ILL-DEFINED LANDLORD."

"FRANKLY THE PLACE SEEMS ABANDONED TO ME, LIKE IT WAS INTENDED TO BE SOME KIND OF MASSIVE TIME TRAVEL TOURIST ATTRACTION AND SOME HORRIBLE FATE BEFELL ALL OF THEM, OR MAYBE THEY JUST GOT BORED OF THE PLACE AND MOVED ON. AND NOW THE DOOR IS MALFUNCTIONING AND BRINGING RANDOMS HERE TO SHUFFLE AROUND AND INSTITUTE THEIR OWN CARGO CULT VERSION OF THE ORIGINAL REFRESHMENTARIUM."

"SUPPOSEDLY THERE WAS SOME KIND OF MASSIVE OUTBREAK OF APOCALYPTIC EVENTS RECENTLY THAT NEARLY WIPED THE SLATE CLEAN AGAIN, SO THAT FITS IN. AND HOVERING ON THE CUSP OF A DYING TIMELINE INDEFINITELY IS PROBABLY SERIOUSLY TOXIC FROM A LUCK STANDPOINT, IN THE LONG RUN."

[closesecond]

Kane nods. He's beginning to get a somewhat clearer handle on this phenomenon.

"Not a terrible explanation," he says. "Though it doesn't sound as though there's a terrible amount of evidence to go on, and I can't be the first person with scientific credentials to be curious about how this place works, so it's probably not for lack of trying, either. Artificial intelligence would be my first thought."

[crabbycustomer]

In the interest of multiculturalism, Karkat tries to not to scoff too hard at human scientific credentials. "GIVE IT A FEW DAYS AND THEN TELL ME IF YOU THINK ANY KIND OF INTELLIGENCE, GENUINE OR ARTIFICIAL, IS INVOLVED IN THE USUAL SHENANIGANS THAT GO ON HERE."

[closesecond]

Kane shrugs. "Sapience does not preclude stupidity. Or madness."

[crabbycustomer]

"IN FACT, A COMPETENT OBSERVER MIGHT SAY THEY'RE NEARLY SYNONYMOUS."

[closesecond]

Kane chuckles. "Yes, I suppose they might."