milliways_bar | (no subject)

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teja

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So, after... removing a few items from the forge, Vyvyan discovered that it was trickier to get rid of gems than he thought. The pawn shop were determined to have things like 'receipts' and 'proof of value', nobody down the pub believed they were real...

In the end, out of perhaps desperation, or stupidity, Vyv has headed back to the bar, to attempt to get Bar to trade them for something useful.

"Couple of hundred quid should do it." he remarks, putting one of the gems on the counter.

The gem disappears.

In its place appears a large black box, which begins to emit an ear-splitting burglar alarm noise. Startled, Vyv grabs it, throws it on the floor, and jumps up and down on it, which oddly enough only seems to make the noise get louder...

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Teja, who has been sitting by the fireplace, rises to his feet.

"Cease that racket!" he demands, picking up his axe and coming closer.

Vyvyan. Of course.

"I'm trying, you great bottom burp!" Vyvyan yells, jumping up and down on the box.

As Teja appears, the box decides to shut off of its own accord. With the Young Ones effect, it briefly develops a little mouth.

"That'll teach you to nick stuff then, spotty!" the box says, before becoming inanimate again.

"You stole that thing, and it is an alarm!" Teja says, bending down to pick up the box. "So, let us see what this is, and where it is from."

If Vyvyan stole that in his own world, he can of course keep it. Provided it makes no more noise.

"I ain't nicked it, Bar gave it me." Vyvyan says. "I was engaging in fair trade."

The box has 'Store theft alarm' on it. Other than that, it is now being quiet.

"What did it trade you for?" Teja asks.

Bar produces a shiny gem that Teja may find familiar.

"I found it." Vyvyan says.

"I lost it!" Teja says. "It was no longer in my smithy after all the doors were opened."

He looks at Vyvyan, extremely bored and exasperated.

"Well I found it on the floor covered in cat shit." Vyvyan says, glad he didn't get the other two out.

"Been keeping it in my pants." he adds.

"You did not," Teja says, grimly. He takes the gem.

"You stole it, and you would well have taken more of those that I am missing. Empty your pockets!"

"No bar rule against theft." Vyvyan says, folding his arms.

"Business," Teja says. "You are a thief at home: being a thief here makes it business from home! Empty your pockets."

Vyvyan digs his hands in his pockets...

Then makes a run for it towards the door.

Teja turns his axe around and trips him with the handle.

"Now," he says, "do I have to hack off your hand and then search your nauseating person, find my property, take it back and then take you, bleeding and lamenting, to the cells, where you proceed to vomit, bleed and snot all over the place so I have to sluice it out with bleach in the morning, or shall we rather save you the pain and boredom, and me the dry heaving and boredom, you hand over my things, I let you go, and go you do, so I need not bother with you any longer, and you not with me, as displeasure and boredom is the only possible outcome if we must spend more than half a friggin' millisecond in each other's company? And yes, I can talk modern, I've been in this place for five whole years, it's just I usually don't want to. Any questions? Good! Now tell me your decision!"

"I don't believe I've ever vomited in your cells." Vyvyan says. "Far as I can remember. Couple of other places, maybe. But I hadn't realised you had to do the cleaning yourself." Mental note.

He digs into his pants and hands back two more gems.

"Good," Teja says, putting all three into his belt pouch. "And yes, did you think Security employ their own crime scene cleaners just for you? Also, I do believe you left all bodily fluids imaginable in those cells at some stage, plus some that are impossible."

"Well, there's probably some semen on those gems, because they were in my knickers a while."

"I'll try and find a crime scene loompa," Teja says, weary. "Boredom sets in -- I must be on my way. Try not to burn anything down, or there would be more boredom, and that would be too boring for words."

"Well just don't put them in manure, or you might grow more of me." Vyvyan says.

Too bad for Teja he left the fourth gem at home.

"The loompas shall know what to do," Teja says.

He turns, and walks away.

Vyvyan calls him something very rude, then slopes off home.

Maybe someone there can trade that last gem.

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