milliways_bar | (no subject)

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Javert had been planning to avoid the bar for a while, because of reasons. But when the door started showing up every time he tried to leave a room, he eventually just rolled his eyes and gave in.

If he happens to spend the entire day outside, well, he just prefers being outside. He exercises the young horse of Teja's people, he builds until he can longer lift another brick. When all work is done, he can be found sitting on the ground, his back against a large boulder (and if it happens to conceal him from view of the bar, that is a coincidence perhaps), idly sketching the lake.

And also possibly trying not fall asleep.

[OOC: Catchable anywhere! Open for a few days. <3

ETA: Time to crash for the night, though. Catch ya tomorrow.]

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"He has hinted at that," Harman says. "His daughter made him happy, and still does. Did you see him with her when she arrived?"

'Yes, I did.'

He nearly points out that Valjean does not really have a daughter.

'I have spoken to her briefly. I have not spoken to him about her.'

"His happiness lives there," Father Harman says.

And dies, with her absence after her marriage. But it might not, with Javert having survived to provide something Valjean may still stand up against.

He twitches his shoulder, a tiny shrug, and stands straight.

'His daughter is none of my business. He accused me of killing her mother, you understand. I will not speak to her, or of her. He would not like it.'

"But he still is your business?" Father Harman asks.

'...no.'

No, he supposes not.

But it still feels as though he is.

'No, he is nothing to me. He is still helping with the church, but that is all.'

"The only one you really allow to help," Father Harman points out.

'Well.'

He cannot deny that is true. To an extent.

'I take the advice of others. Or will, when I need to.'

He looks down at the ground again.

'I owe him my life twice over, despite the fact I did not want it. It is hard to say no to someone who has done that.'

"It's very hard to say no to Valjean in general, I find," Father Harman says.

'Yes. Well. He is so good, how could anyone?'

He mutters this almost bitterly, but with a note of admiration too.

Not that he admires people being wholly soft-hearted; if Valjean were only that, he would look down on him roundly. But he knows for a fact Valjean's softness is a choice, and the man is also iron when he needs to be. It is hard not to respect that, though he will not admit it out loud.

"If he ever needs help in return," Father Harman muses, "I hope you'll be there to give it to him."

He turns his head to look at him, sharply. For a few beats, he just stares. Then he looks away again.

'I do not know if he would take help from me,' he says, in a low murmur.

'And I am still not in Paris. Besides, he is free. There is no reason he can now not be happy.'

He remembers there is probably something he should tell Harman, something that happened after their last conversation. But that would bring up what their last conversation was about, and he is not sure he wants to face that.

"There might be," Harman says. "While you're here, keep an eye on him."

He looks at Javert with something of a question in his eyes, as the man seems to have bitten off something he wanted to say.

'I do,' he says, simply.

And then pause to organise his thoughts, and try to frame this properly.

'After we spoke last, I was visited by the Archangel Michael.'

It seems the sort of thing a priest should know.

'Did you know he manifests as a woman here?'

"No," Father Harman says. "What did he tell you?"

Hopefully something more helpful that the other angel.

He stands very still, and lets the remembrance of it fill him with the same warmth, the same relief, it has done since he first heard the words.

'That I have not been found wanting.'

He can think of only one thing that makes him feel safer, but will not allow himself to do so. These words will do to keep him steady.

'That I will not be damned, as I told you I feared I might be.'

Edited 2014-08-28 23:45 (UTC)

"I am glad to know that this angel was so helpful," Father Harman says.

'He said I must be kinder, to myself and others. I am trying to do this.'

He is not sure he is succeeding, but he has time now.

He is silent for a while, then turns back to the priest.

'Do you think it is true that hating yourself also shows hate for God who made us?'

Not that he is questioning Michael, but he is interested to hear another opinion.

"Not hate, perhaps," Father Harman says. "But it shows your separation from God, that you perhaps think he hasn't made you good enough, or failed you somehow in his creation of you."

'No. No, that would imply blame for something specific.'

He pulls a rueful face.

'Which I did, of course. But just simply-'

What does he mean? He does not know, and should not have spoken without thinking it through properly. It is not as though he ever spends time considering hating himself anyway; that would not be a practical use of his time.

'It does not matter. I do not know what I mean.'

Father Harman chuckles, wryly. "Sometimes, our thoughts form while we're talking," he says, "and I think that you do know, somewhere, what you mean. You no longer blame God for failing you in specific ways, so now you can contemplate what he means to you, in more general or positive terms, maybe?"

'Perhaps.'

He looks a little shameful.

'He is vengeful, or at least I have always thought so. But the way Michael spoke, it seems He is rather more loving than I had considered.'

He must be, to love Javert as Michael says he does.

"Yes, that must have been rather a revelation," Father Harman says, "and an aspect of God that our church has been downplaying over the centuries, I'm afraid."

Apart from such almost miraculous exceptions as Valjean's Bishop Myriel, of course. But unfortunately, they always were the exception.

He almost says and quite rightly.

Instead, his expression turns sad.

'Yes. Well, Valjean managed to find it out without help.'

"He didn't," Father Harman says. "But you should ask him about that."