milliways_bar | (no subject)

Baze enters from the back door, tired and sweaty but content, his staff slung over one shoulder. He bids goodbye to Chirrut, who entered after him and who saunters up to their rooms. Then Baze turns to the couches with a smile on his face.

That smile dims when he sees Bodhi in an unhappy state. Baze approaches anyway. "Hello, Bodhi," Baze says, grounding his staff. "Thanks for the cheese. It was all delicious. Are you all right?"

"I'm glad you liked the cheese." Bodhi acknowledges with a little shrug. "Bad dreams." He ducks his head. "I keep dreaming about Jedha. About- the last moments."

Baze staggers backwards, feeling gutshot. Of all the things he expected Bodhi to say, it wasn't that. Baze remembers the last moments, remembers them vividly, recalls the snap in Chirrut's voice to tell him what had been destroyed, recalls the explosion obliterating everyone he'd ever known.

The destruction of the city.

Which Galen could have saved, had he sent the message out sooner. If he had only told someone about the kyber-eating Death Star, during his years as a farmer.

Galen, whom Bodhi loves.

"Oh," Baze says, the color drained from his face. "I'm sorry."

Bodhi finches away from Baze's reaction, dropping his eyes and hugging himself.

He feels it, every day. The guilt. If he'd got the message out faster, been smarter about finding Saw Gerrera. That's what wakes him in the middle of the night.

Baze is tempted to flee. He didn't ask for the reminder of so much pain, didn't ask for the reminder of how the kyber screamed and died along with the people of the city.

But Baze can't leave his friend--their broken pilot--in pain.

"Did... Did you want to talk about it?" Baze asks, his voice thin and reedy enough to crack.

Bodhi looks up at Baze with those wide, dark eyes of his. He looks just as haunted. "I'm sorry. I don't want you to end up with nightmares too."

"I already have," Baze says, sighing. His shoulders sag. Cold curls in the pit of his stomach, spreading to his joints and making them watery.

"Scoot over," he says, and lumbers over to the couch. Flopping down onto it, he wraps an arm around Bodhi, nuzzling his head with Baze's cheek.

Bodhi shifts over, making room. Myrrh happily moves on, leaving them be.

Bodhi leans into Baze's arms, feeling surprisingly safe in the big Jedhean's arms. "I'm sorry." Tears glisten on his cheeks.

"Nightmares happen," Baze says, running his hand up and down Bodhi's arm. The Guardian feels weary down to the marrow.

"I wish they didn't happen to us, but they do, and we just have to deal with them."

Bodhi forgets how small he is compared with Baze. "How do you- deal with them?"

"Sparring with Chirrut, usually," Baze says, offering the smaller Jedhan a squeeze. The Guardian sets his staff aside on the end of the couch, and flags down a rat to order Earl Grey Sencha.

"Or drinking surprise tea, or brewing beers, or reading, or any number of things that catch my interest," he continues, his breathing slow and even, and his heart rate steady.

"I remind myself that life--or unlife, as the case may be--is better than dreams. That I am stronger than them. That I have a life outside of sadness."

"A life outside sadness." Bodhi echoes, quietly thoughtful. He doesn't looks down at the scars on his wrists but he does touch them absently. "I hoped I could find that cooking. Or growing my garden but-" But the nightmares keep coming back. "There's so much left unfinished."

"What's left unfinished?" Baze asks, carding his fingers through Bodhi's hair. The larger Jedhan thinks Jedha was finished pretty thoroughly.

Bodhi's eyes flutter closed, leaning into the touch. After all those years, even with Galen, Bodhi still craves touch.

"Jyn." He whispers. "I know you- don't like Galen. But Jyn deserved to know her father." And Galen deserved to know his daughter.

The father who was taken from her. Baze understands.

He separates from Bodhi just enough to collect their tea, offering the pilot his cup.

"Maybe she'll show up here."

"I hope so. They deserve-" He cuts himself off. "And if she does, she deserves to see Lyra too. For them to be a family again."

Even if it left no place for him.

He takes the tea with a grateful nod, warming his hands on the cup. "Hmm, this is good. Thank you."

The tea is a blend of a vegetal, sweet Sencha and a classic Earl Grey. It's a yellow-green, milky beverage with flecks of lime, infused with peppery, vanilla-tinged bergamot. Notes of tart-sweet citrus wash over the palate, leaving a clean, fresh aftertaste. It's the same tea Baze and Bodhi shared earlier, when the smaller Jedhan first offered the larger one cheese.

Baze sighs, taking gulps of his tea and looping his arm around Bodhi again. He drags his cheek across Bodhi's head.

"She does. But I don't understand how that's leaving things unfinished," Baze says, his voice a deep rumble in his chest.

It's sweet that they have a tea. Like other people have a song. It tastes like friendship and home. Almost.

"It's my fault they didn't- reach each other." He curls in Baze's arms. "If I hadn't told Cassian about Eadu-" If he hadn't betrayed the man he loved to the people who killed him.

Baze drinks his tea, holding some of it in his mouth as he mulls over Bodhi's words.

"Galen Erso was facing an Imperial firing squad on Eadu," Baze says eventually, rubbing Bodhi's arm again.

"He was going to die, regardless of whether it was the Rebellion or the Imperials who killed him. And if we hadn't been able to confirm that he'd died, we never would have gone to Scarif. Everyone--the whole Rebellion--would have been killed by the Death Star if we hadn't, not just Jedha. Yavin IV was the next target."

Bodhi curls up a little tighter in Baze's arms. "The what if is the part that keeps me awake at night. Or makes it worse when sleep."

Baze sighs again, polishing off his tea. He sets the cup aside and pulls Bodhi halfway into his lap.

"Either you think you did the right thing by bringing the Empire down," Baze says, breathing in the scent of him, "or you would have traded one man for everyone."

Bodhi's a little shocked when Baze holds him. A little shocked but... glad. Very glad. He smells of sand ginger and cooking spices, and clean skin and worried sweat.

"I did the right thing. We did the right thing. But there are so many more lives that could have been saved if I'd done it better."

Baze holds Bodhi tightly in the cage of the Guardian's arms, tucking him into the one space between his armors, on his arm and near his chest.

"Yes," Baze admits, rubbing Bodhi's back. So, so many lives. All of Jedha, perhaps. "But that's past now, and you can't change it."

Bodhi looks up from stroking Myrrh. "What? Oh, sorry." He rubs at his eyes. "I'm getting nightmares again. I thought I was over this."

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HEY HEY YOU YOU I DON'T LIKE YOUR BOYFRIEND

Bwhahahaha!

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