milliways_bar | (no subject)

Eventually, a tired Trillian -- wearing pigtails, a denim jacket, a miniskirt with cherries on it, and glowstick bracelets -- sits down next to Samantha.

"Good read?"

Sam raises an eyebrow. "Nice outfit. And it's okay...I really don't care about Britany Spears' news about having twins, but it's something to read."

"Who's that?"

Different Earth. Oops. Trillian looks a little confused.

"As for the clothes, well, it's probability. Or rather improbability. We're making a strong effort to reset it. This is exactly how normally I don't dress ... although I really sort of do like the bracelets." She eyes her wrist curiously.

"Some popstar." Sam blows that off. "I like the bracelets too...they look nice. I like the skirt too...it's very...red."

"But so very small," Trillian points out, opting not to go into the details of popstars either. "And I'm not exactly keen on looking like ... okay, I don't want to say 'harlot,' that's not the word, and it isn't anything really vulgar either ... Well, now I don't remember. Besides just 'leggy.'"

"Well, that's true...not the harlot part, because you don't look like that! But it is pretty leggy. I don't think I could ever wear it...I'm too short." Sam looks at the dress, then down at her own jean-clad legs.

Sam, who is ~~exactly Trillian's mun's height~~ about six inches shorter than Trillian, has a point.

"I got this from Bar, she'd probably have a smaller size, if you really wanted one."

Sam~~'s mun is a full foot taller than her. that startles her slightly~~ giggles. "I'm sure Andrew would like it."

"I bet he would."

Trillian laughs. "Mine - boyfriend, that is - is around so rarely nowadays he's never seen me in it. And won't get to at this rate."

"That's sad...why isn't he around?" Sam cocks her head.

"Because he's Zaphod Beeblebrox."

Trillian shrugs.

"And I think that's the best reason I've got."

Sam just nods, thinking it better not to ask. "Well...I'm sure someone here appreciates the skirt."

Trillian shrugs. "Ford just gave me this look like I was utterly nuts. And I can't say that I much appreciate it myself, it's very uncomfortable."

"And you can't change because of...the Improbability Drive, right?"

"Right," Trillian nods, glad someone gets it. "Because that would be too likely, for me to change once I've gotten part of it over with."

"Well that makes sense." Sort of. Sam grins and drinks more milkshake. "Anything else you don't normally do that you need help with?"

"Well, if you notice anything incredibly weird, like weirder than Milliways normally weird? Write it down for me. Slip it by. And if you can, get involved."

Sam nods. "Alright, I'll make sure I do that."

"Probability's a bitch."

Trillian yawns.

"So, how's life? We've discussed improbability and Zaphod, and that's mostly covered mine."

"It's alright. Sort of boring right now, as you can tell from the trashy magazine." Sam laughs.

"Want something else to read? I do have the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy."

Yes, the actual Guide, not the book by Douglas Adams that Trillian doesn't know exists. Don't tell her, either.

Sam won't. She loves the book, but would love to see the actualy Guide.

"You do, the actual Guide? That's awesome!"

"Well, not really the actual Guide as in the source book, but an actual Guide as in a recently updated copy, yep."

She grabs at her bag, and tugging it out, there is the friendly cover with 'Don't Panic' written on it.

"You've heard of it?"

"Er, yeah. Arthur talks about it." Something tells Sam not to mention Douglas Adams. It could be her mun.

It must be. It could've also maybe been Trillian's mun, giving hints. One never knows.

"Does he not have one with him? Good old forgetful Arthur, I was sure he had a copy -- anyway. Pick something, anything, I'll find the entry."

Probably the latter.

"Anything?" She scrunches up her face. "Mattresses."

Trillian calls up 'mattresses.'

And gets this:

Mattresses, I hear you cry, get all the fun.

* They lie in bed all day,
* They never do any work and
* Everyone wants to sleep with them.

But there are disadvantages to being a mattress. Despite many mattresses living in relative luxury, there are many terrors a mattress must face if it is to survive. The things listed below are the bane of a mattress' life. If you are of a nervous disposition then it is recommended that you do not read on. These are the things that a mattress fears most:

1. Kids jumping on you. Small humans using you as a trampoline can seriously damage your springs, not to say your pride. Many mattresses have met their end from over-enthusiastic children bouncing upon them.
2. Animal hairs (especially Canis Domesticus and Felis Domesticus). Pets that sleep on you will invariably shed more hair than they seem to have on their bodies into your fibres. This is very itchy and no-one will want to sleep on you.
3. Food. Biscuit crumbs and tea are only the start of your worries as a mattress. Humans all seem to spend a disproportionate amount of time eating and drinking in bed, although the traditional "Breakfast in bed" is still socially thought of as a luxury. However, for a mattress, the term "Breakfast in bed" is one that fills your spring-pockets with dread, as the phrase can usually be taken quite literally. People will be loath to sleep on you if you are full of itchy crumbs and covered in suspect stains.
4. Sweat. Humans produce a hell of a lot of this and much of it in bed. If the bed is too warm they will generate more, and if it is stiflingly hot they will more than triple their 'sweat yield'. Human sweat smells like a cross between sulphur and a cesspit.
5. Bedbugs. These little Zarks burrow deep into your stuffing. They feed on human skin, and multiply like mathematicians. They are the most uncomfortable creatures to have living inside you, with the possible exceptions of cockroaches and rats.
6. Water-beds and inflatable cushions should be wary of the following : pins, knitting needles, knives, forks, false teeth, broken glass and chainsaws... actually, all mattresses should be wary of chainsaws.
7. Other mattresses. Humans replace their mattresses rarely, but it does occur. If your human has acquired a new mattress, it may be time for you to go. If you have managed to steer clear of kids, furry animals, food, sweat, bedbugs and chainsaws then your life expectancy will be considerably longer.

As you can see, being an inanimate object on the planet Earth can be highly dangerous. So remember, even mattresses have feelings ...

"Well. It has quite a lot to say."

"Wow." Sam stares, wide-eyed. "That...is a lot. And sweat? Mattresses are scared of sweat?"

"I'm afraid to ask how it found this stuff out."

Trillian just eyes the Guide.

"I can't imagine they interviewed all that many. But wouldn't you be scared of random people sweating on you all the time?"

"Yeah, I guess I would." Sam suddenly felt sorry for the mattress in her and Andrew's room. "I...wish I could say sorry to them some how..."

"Oh," Trillian laughs, "Don't worry about apologizing to them. The Guide represents everyone fairly - it'd probably be a service, however, not to jump on it too much, to wash it every now and then, not replace it, not eat on it too much, and don't let dogs on the bed."

She shrugs a little.

"All in all, it probably appreciates you."

"Well, that makes me feel a lot better." Sam grins.

"Good."

Trillian smiles back.

"Want some food, or anything?"

"Nah, I have this." She showed her the milkshake. "I'm good for now."