milliways_bar | Entrance post

"Well...it is incredible." Neil said with a certain gravity, an illusion only and one that was quickly broken when he smiled brightly and clapped Todd on the shoulder.

"I mean, have you sat and just...watched the universe destroying itself? I still haven't decided if I'm forever in awe of the sight or if I'd rather never see it again."

Turning around, Neil backed up and then hopped onto the table sitting next to Todd, coltish legs swinging restlessly.

"I've been here for a couple of weeks now. That is...a couple of weeks Bar time, I don't quite now what it's been in real time." Neil paused feeling a little uncomfortable but knowing he had to ask.

"Umm...how long has it been... I mean how long had it been since my funeral?"

Todd agreed, "I saw... it's beautiful and terrible. The light's loving and killing at the same time." Well, a sight like that's truly inspirational to artists and poets after all. He'll probably watch it on a regular basis just for that alone.

Todd sat back down on the chair by Neil, scooting it around, and to the side to face him, but back from his swinging legs.

He listened to his friend, and glanced down at the last question, "Not that long, only a week and a half maybe." To be honest, he had trouble keeping track of the days since. As though Time itself froze in the winter with Neil's death.

Neil couldn' help smiling at Todd's poetic turn of phrase. He'd always felt that it was Todd who could produce the words, had allowed himself visions of Todd writing beautiful monologues for Neil himself to bring to life on the stage.

Pipe Dream...

Maybe not so much a dream here as a possibility. Maybe Todd's right and we might yet be free.

The youth stilled then as he watched his friend spiral back down into the dark memories of living with the idea that Neil had killed himself. Biting his lower lip, Neil hopped back down off the table -could not sit still to save his life- and once more he was crouching down beside Todd.

"Hey...I know there is nothing I can say to make up for what it's been like for you these past couple weeks. I won't try to explain my actions...you know why I...well...it was stupid and it was selfish of me to even consider it and..."

Neil paused, biting at his lip once more, dark eyes brightening under the light with unshed moisture.

"I'm very sorry, Todd."

Todd had been so cold, so numb during the time. It sickened him, mind, body, and soul, affecting him far worst than everybody. He couldn't help it, easier to withdraw from everything because he was afraid to feel. Because he felt so much, much more than most, and it would consume him more than any fire could. Not even ashes remaining.

This is because he didn't know how strong he could be, when he had to be.

But he started to realize that. The moment he stood on top of his desk, and called out.

He peered back at Neil, "That doesn't matter anymore. It was just a dream." He placed his hands on Neil's shoulders.

"I don't blame you."

And he didn't. He questioned it, wondered why for days, but he didn't blame Neil at all for what he did. They were victims, but not of Keating's, they were victims of Welton, of their fathers, of what their society demanded of them.

Neil listened to Todd and crouched there quietly for a long, poignant moment before he suddenly smiled, bright and a little lopsided.

"Well...you should...because it was incredible stupid of me. Not to mention...selfish."

Another beat and the smile became more sly this time, brown eyes brightening to that incredible warmth that meant he was about to indulge in some mad start and sure enough, Neil exploded into action. Carefully stepping on Todd's chair, Neil leapt over him onto the table and threw his arms out wide.

"I shall have to atone for my trespass upon your good nature with...what else but a poem?"

Striking a dramatic pose, Neil pitched his voice as he'd been taught by the director of the play, receipting cleanly the lines written by Robert Frost

"I had withdrawn in forest, and my song
Was swallowed up in leaves that blew alway;
And to the forest edge you came one day
*This was my dream) and looked and pondered long,
But did not enter, though the wish was strong:
you shook your pensive head as who should say,
'I dare not--to far in his footsteps stray-
He must seek me would he undo the wrong.'

Not far, but near, I stood and saw it all
behind low boughs the trees let down outside;
And the sweet pang it cost me not to call
And tell you that I saw does still abide.
But 'tis not true that thus I dwelt aloof,
For the wood wakes, and you are here for proof."

A Dream Pang by Robert Frost

Now that he'd probably drawn the attention of at least a few of the bar's patrons, he cocked his head and grinned down at Todd.

"Are you sure you forgive me?"

Todd cringed a little as Neil leapt over him, but more of a reflex than actual fear. He knew that look, and had a smile on his face. He scooted his seat around to watch his friend perform.

How could his father watch him perform and not see it?
Was Mr. Perry blind? Was Cameron?

Neil could never become a doctor, he was truly an actor.
Larger than life everywhere he went, that's what Todd always admired about him, and secretly wished he was more like that.

But then Todd remembered, he didn't see it at first either. Neil was so excited about acting, and at the time, he didn't believe him, and came up with excuses why he shouldn't do it.
He was blind too.

He applauded the performance.

Todd then smiled back, and replied, "Only if you can forgive me for being blind at first. Like how your father and Cameron still are."

Bowing, hamming it up for the couple of people who applauded along with Todd, Neil once again folded himself down so he was sitting on the table, legs swinging. His pale cheeks held hints of excited color, he never looked more alive than when he was performing, Neil loved it.

"There is nothing to forgive, Todd...you were probably being much wiser than I was." Neil admited with a rueful twist of his lips.

He frowned slightly and cocked his head at his friend.

"Todd...setting aside all things to do with my father for the moment...what happened? Back at Welton."

He was getting an extremely uneasy feeling because there was just something about the way Todd spoke of Keating and now Cameron.

Todd sighed, "They wanted to blame somebody, for what happened to you. Cameron told them about Dead Poets, and they used that to blame Mr. Keating and fire him." He didn't want to say anything about Charlie getting kicked out since that was his news to tell if he wanted to.
"They forced us to sign papers saying it was Mr. Keating's fault, that he was a bad influence."

He gazed back at Neil, and frantically added, "We had no choice, they-they brought our parents in, and we would have, would have been kicked out if we didn't sign them."

He shook his head, "Cameron was a liar. Going on about how you would have been dreaming of being a doctor if it wasn't for Mr. Keating, but I know that's not true. Especially now. You couldn't be anything but an actor, and a great one."

When Todd started to stammer a little in that manner that indicated he was getting stressed Neil leaned forward to touch his arm listening to the events as told by his friend and frowning darkly with each passing word.

"Sonof..." Neil would never finish that word, he was mindful of his language but he jumped up off the table and paced fretfully.

Suddenly whirling back towards Todd, Neil cried out. "He didn't have to say I was dead!"

Wrapping his arms up around himself, the way he did when he was insecure about something, usually his father, Neil frowned down at the floor.

"I can't believe he did that. I can't believe he'd be so...vindictive that he'd go after Keating...that Nolan would be so damn petty..." Neil paused and sucked in a shakey breath. "Well...okay I can believe Nolan would be that petty about Keating."

Kicking the toe of his shoe into the floor, Neil let his arms fall to his sides.

"Cameron's just weak. He never wanted to stand up to anyone, including us when we made him do stuff he didn't agree with. He goes with whichever way the wind blows...pity him, Todd...don't be angry with him."

Todd calmed a little again, but then flinched at Neil's yell. But then he recognized the stance. Only Mr. Perry could upset him that much. That was always the case.

He added, "I was upset, but I wasn't angry with him. Not me." He still wasn't going to say who was angry especially with Cameron, and he could understand why Charlie would be. He was weak, but he shouldn't have said anything to Mr. Nolan.

He then added quietly, "I stood up. On my desk in fact."

It was the last words that caught Neil's attention and he looked up quickly, his own insecurity and disquiet forgotten as he beamed at Todd.

"You did? Todd!!"

In the other boy's name was a wealth of commentary. I'm so proud of you, go you, I knew you had it in you!

Darting forward, Neil took both of Todd's shoulders in his hands and his brown eyes danced as he plopped down in front of his roommate.

"Tell me!"

Todd was a little taken aback by his friend's excitement. He wasn't used to getting praise or compliments after all.

His gaze looked down for a moment, shaking his head a little, before his eyes flickered back at Neil's again.

"I just did it. Mr. Keating was getting the last of his things, and I just didn't want him to go without knowing we're forced into signing. That we wanted him to stay."

"So I told him, and-and Mr. Nolan was yelling at me and at Mr. Keating, so I just stood up onto my desk, and called out, 'O Captain, My Captain.'"

A smile creeped up on his face, as he added, "Then Knox, then Pitts and Meeks, and I think half of the class was standing up on their desks. Just to show he made a difference and we believed him."

Neil listened intently smiling slowly as Todd described the scene. He could picture it in his mind, could see Todd rocking slightly debating with himself and finally moving with purpose, steppingup deliberately and balancing on his desk calling out with a slight waver in his voice.

Oh Captain, My Captain!

The others following Todd's lead...

"Nolan must have damn near had an apocalyptic fit! I can just picture him, red as a beet, jawls shaking as he yelled."

Neil did seem quite gleeful at the thought.

Todd nodded, and smiled a little more, "He was. Threatened to expel me, but it was like he was in the background. Like he just faded away for a moment."

He added, a trace of impishness perhaps, "He was already upset that Pritchard's intro had been ripped out. Cameron had to read it from Mr. Nolan's copy."

Todd's impishness was infecteous and Neil couldn't help smiling but inwardly...inwardly it was all starting to hit him.

Keating getting sacked.

His father's apparent deception.

What it had done to his friends.

The whole sordid situation that seemed to make it impossible for Neil to ever consider going home. It all started to press in on him and he knew he was going to need a little bit of time to process it all.

Powering up to his feet he smiled at Todd, reaching to pluck at the other boy's sleeve as if reassuring himself that Todd was real.

"Listen, I need to step upstairs to my room for a couple of minutes...you'll...be here when I get back?"

A small hint of insecurity of...hopefulness touched Neil's voice.

Todd's eyes flicked to the vacant wall, and he looked back, a bit surprised at the tone, "I'll be here. There's nowhere else to go." Not anymore, not that there's a need to ever again.

"You're going to be ok, right, Neil?" He couldn't help asking, his voice full of concern.

Neil smiled and nodded.

"Sure...just...you know...just when I thought I had this place figured out..." He gave a light shrug and started to move away.

"I'll see you in a little bit, Todd...promise."

One more warm smile and then Neil walked off towards the side of the room.

Entrance post

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