milliways_bar | (no subject)

To hear the bitter laugh and the self-deprecating remark causes Námo to want to reach out.

So he takes a calculated risk.

I have found that it is not so difficult.

His lips had not moved, his eyes had not blinked -- but he wanted to have Lee hear that in a way that could leave no doubt for misunderstanding. Lies would tinge his words, the emotion left in the wake of the words bitter and doubtful. Nothing of the sort accompanied that brief touch of his mind to Lee, of thought and feeling conveyed swiftly and the presence pulled back before he could see anything, before he be intrusive.

"You should not doubt your worth so," he says aloud, quietly, but his eyes remain focused on Lee.

It's the unexpectedness, the complete unfamiliarity with having another voice in his mind, that makes him inhale sharply and raise a dazed hand to his forehead.

Not so difficult to love me?

He would doubt that instinctively, if he could, but to feel it--with certainty that he cannot logically doubt--

A warm flush creeps up the back of his neck.

"You would know?"

It's not meant with hostility--nothing of the sort. The question is an honest one.

His cheeks colour and he looks away.

"I should have asked you before simply doing that," he murmurs as he gazes into the fire. "It was rude; I would not normally do such a thing."

He averts his eyes as well.

"I've had my mind seriously messed with without my permission before. Believe me, what you just did wasn't that bad. Didn't hurt anything."

"It was not meant to hurt. I would not like to hurt you. It would displease me."

Námo sighs quietly.

"I am sorry. My mood is not as pleasant as it had been yesterday." He swallows as he casts a quick glance to Lee.

"It's okay." He smiles faintly, but doesn't look up. "Mine's not exactly, either."

"Why?" he asks, turning his gaze to the man. Ramon had put him in this mood, but he somehow doubts it was Ramon who had ruined Lee's day. "Is something wrong?"

He shakes his head quickly. "No, nothing specific."

He glances up, hoping to be reassuring.

"I can understand how a bond like that could help so much," he says quietly.

"Can you?" he asks. "One touch was all you needed?"

He smiles at Lee, disliking the distance between them.

"Tell me what is on your mind, melda," Námo encourages.

"Well, I can...extrapolate." He shrugs.

He just doesn't think he can talk about all that's on his mind. He doesn't know what it's all about himself.

"I haven't seen Mercutio in days. Not like that's unusual, which...I guess is part of the problem."

It is hard to love one who loved another wholly.

It was going to become even more difficult if he let himself feel such a thing for another whose love lay just as much with someone else. Which is why he had to deny anything that wished to be in his heart.

Perhaps the thought shows itself on his face. Perhaps it doesn't.

"You wish to see him more often?" he asks quietly.

"I wish he wanted to see me more often. I wish I was more than just an afterthought to him. I wish I could get him to show some fucking emotion towards me once in a while. He doesn't believe love exists, and he's too stubborn ever to change his views on anything, so the only convenient way out for him is to just forget that I love him. If he were ever reminded, he'd freak out and leave. He's already done it once, when I first told him."

His voice is dull, monotone. He lets out a quiet snort of humorless laughter.

"Seeing him more often wouldn't do me a damn bit of good unless he actually cared."

There is nothing he can say to that.

Not really.

"Why do you not love someone who is willing to love you in return?" he asks, because it doesn't make much sense to him to do otherwise.

"Yeah, well, show me someone who's willing to love me in return and I'll try. But until then, Mercutio's all I've got. I still love him. I always will. I can't help it. He is worthy of love, but...he's not worth complete devotion. It'd kill me if I tried that. I realize that now."

He tilts his head.

"Would you ever wish to give complete devotion?" is his next question.

He nods. He has no reason to hesitate--he's thought it over too many times not to be sure.

Is there anything I want more?

"I worry that it would be difficult--sharing that kind of devotion. But I figure it would have to be worth it, if it were requited."

Now he is puzzled.

"Such devotion would restrict what you already love and have some devotion to, would it not?"

"Restrict?"

He starts to wonder aloud if maybe this is another case of different definitions, as with the use of the word 'sport,' but when he thinks about how he's phrased it, he understands.

"I guess...in that sense...it would. If it were the way relationships tend to work in my world. Like--to use my friend Chase as an example. He and his fiancee Kim are completely devoted to each other. They don't do anything sexual with anyone but each other, they each have the reassurance that the other one's not going to get bored and leave, and...they have each others' undivided romantic love. I wish I had with someone what Chase and Kim and Tony and Michelle have with each other"

His tone softens. "But maybe that isn't all it's cracked up to be. I'd be happy if someone loved me. Just as long as there was the reassurance that it wouldn't just...die because they got bored."

He does not mean to give a sour look, but he is sure that is how it appears.

"The Elves believe that way. Once you love another, you love no other. They marry, have their children, and find other uses for their time. But they never part. Perhaps it is due to how I was brought into love that I view such a thing as terribly restrictive. If I thought that, I would not be able to love Gorlim or you, and that would be a terrible shame, for such emotion brings me joy."

A tilt of his head.

"Are you not loved by Gorlim? Or do you always worry it shall die because he would grow bored with you?"

"Fine, so it's restrictive. It doesn't mean it doesn't have its merits. It's just quality over quantity."

Again, he checks his tone, realizing that he's beginning to sound angry.

"It's not really the same thing with Gorlim. And I don't always worry. But yeah, I'd be lying if I said the thought never crossed my mind."

"Why can you not have both?" he asks gently. "That is something Ramon also seems unable to understand. It is not as if I bed the whole bar, or give my heart to all who ask for it. There are those my heart calls to, those I desire both physically and emotionally. Not many, I will say that, and I am usually terribly surprised when it happens. One love is not lessened by another; I find it makes the other loves sweeter. I cherish what I am given, for I do not believe love should ever be given in a miserly fashion."

He leans back in his chair and crosses his legs.

"As awful as this will sound, I mean it in the best regard -- mortals confuse me with their narrow vision and their inability to see more than what was taught to them. I am reminded again and again it is due to the shortness of their lives, their need to experience all in that space of time, but you are no longer restricted by that."

Námo regards him for a very long time, though it is obvious he has more to say.

"Eternity, Lee, is a very long time. And that, melda, is what now sits before you."

"I'm used to being restricted by it," he says. "I was alive for thirty-four years. I've been dead for six months. It takes time to learn...overcome things...you say 'eternity,' and I get what you mean, but it doesn't mean anything yet, you know?"

He sighs, as he mulls Namo's words over. "It's not like what you say doesn't make sense. I just wish there was some way jealousy didn't have to figure into things at all."

Now his curiousity is piqued.

"What are you jealous of?"

He has had the occasional moment of envy, but it never lasts long.

"Not just me," he says, slightly defensive. "And I'm not jealous of anyone now. But I used to be. You remember that. Everyone has issues with it at some point. The threat of it would always be there...but of course the benefits of it far outweigh that..."

He leans on his hand, his eyes still on Lee as he lets out a long breath.

"You are indeed prickly like a hedgehog," he remarks. "I try to find your belly, as Gorlim explained, and I tend to find the spines instead. Forgive me for speaking about things I have little experience in," he says sincerely. "I should have remained silent."