milliways_bar | (no subject)

He's quiet a long minute after she speaks, staring down into the bottom of his empty mug.

When he does speak his voice is soft and knowing.

"S'not somethin' he can help, Kate. A man gets his heart set on a certain woman, he'll hold onto love an' hope 'til his last breath, 'long as he thinks there's a chance for it."

She quietly continues to play with her lips, absorbing his words.

"I ain't sure how good his chances are," she murmurs.

Beat.

"Maybe I'm jus' toyin' with 'im."

Her reply surprises him and his eyes flick to her quickly.

Frowning he shakes his head barely and looks back at the counter.

"If y'are, ain't nothin' gonna make him see it. He might even know, but won't believe it. S'just how it is."

Bill would like to believe she isn't, that this is just another way she's blaming or punishing herself for things she shouldn't be, but he's not sure with her anymore. And, he feels guilty for having that doubt.

Guilt is something she seems to be propagating these days. Lord knows she has enough of it to go around. And Bill's statement both shocks and disheartens her.

She knows it's true.

'I love you, Kate.'

She leans forward, covering her face with her hands.

"Christ."

She's using him to make her feel better, knowing full well that he'll let her -- knowing full well that she doesn't reciprocate his feelings. Not entirely. Not ardently. Not with the loyalty she once felt. After everything that's happened this past year, she doesn't even know if she's able to love any man. She can't give him what he deserves.

"When did everythin' turn into such a bloody mess?"

"He cares a lot about you, Kate. He'd stick with you through anything. Maybe that ain't somethin' you think you want, but... "

He looks over at her, expression soft and concerned.

"Leastways you won't be alone."

"It is somethin' I want."

After a long silence, she finally blinks, leaning back and placing her hands back on the bar top. Her eyes go to the lacquered surface, before she gives Miss Bar a gentle pat and murmurs something about refilling Bill's mug -- on her dime.

"I just... ain't sure it's somethin' I want with him. Ah, hell. What am I sayin'? Never you mind the blitherin' of a crazy old fool. It's fine. Things're fine. We're fine."

She runs her hand through her hair and turns to look at him.

"What I'm worried 'bout is you. Ramon didn't say nothin' else?"

"If not with him, than who?"

Maybe it's not a question he should ask, but he does it more in the hopes that it'll make her think about Doc. He knows his friend cares for her, and he also knows what it's like to carry that kind of love around, and not have it returned.

Lifting his glass towards her in a silent thanks he takes a drink, swallowing slowly.

"Just that he wants his gun back, an' there's nothin' I can do t'stop him from gettin' back at the two of us for what happened."

She doesn't answer his question. She doesn't have to. The look in her eyes speaks volumes more than any words ever could.

No one.

She knows she'll never love any other men. Not after Doc, and not after Sam. And while part of her still wants to hold onto the dreams she had, before things with Doc fell apart and Sam was murdered, a big part of her just can't seem to scrape up the hope and faith it takes to let yourself fall in love with someone.

Especially not when that someone has already broken your heart so many times.

(Especially not when you're so scared of breaking their heart right back.)

She lowers her gaze back to the bar top.

"I hear tell that he's been talkin' 'bout his revenge with other folks here, as well," she mutters, keeping her voice low. "Dunno how many others, but for all intents and purposes he ain't jokin' 'bout comin' after us with everythin' he's got. I think you should keep your head down for a while, Bill."

His lips part to say more, then his mouth shuts and he turns to look back down into his beer.

He's already said too much on the subject, and he's worried he may have done more harm than good for Doc's chances with her.

Refocusing on the situation with Ramon his grip on his mug handle tightens and he pulls in a slow breath.

"So should you."

"Been workin' on it," she nods. "Doc's helped out with takin' over some things out in the stables, keepin' an eye out for trouble. I ain't got nothin' tyin' me here, but there's some folk I need t'talk with 'fore I can think 'bout headin' out for a while. 'Sides, even if I did leave, I get the feelin' absense ain't gonna make Ramon's heart grow any fonder. It's best if I can stick around a spot where I can keep track'a what's goin' on. He ain't the sort of man I ever wanna lose sight of."

To emphasize her point, she surreptitiously glances out over the crowd in the bar tonight.

He nods, nursing his beer and turning over his own options.

There aren't many.

She purses her lips together.

"You, on th'other hand..." she begins, choosing her words carefully. "You ain't gotta stay. Ramon may be mad at you, but he's after me. Y'could maybe get outta the bar for a few days, try an' see if this thing won't blow over..."

"I can't leave Kate an' Boo."

He won't.

"Besides, he made it pretty plain he's got somethin' t'settle with me, too."

'You pulled a gun on me. You think I'm going to apologize when I return the favor?'

"Not gonna let you face him alone, neither."

"Maybe you could take 'em with you."

She drops her gaze away from him, partly to hide her shame.

"Bill, it's my fault you're in this mess. I know you got better things t'be worryin' 'bout right now. Let... lemme bring Ramon his property back. You can take Kate an' Boo and hide someplace safe. I ain't got no intentions of puttin' you in harm's way again."

Before he can argue, she places a quick and timid hand on his forearm, returning her concerned eyes to his face.

"An' I don't plan on fightin' him. I never did. Things got outta hand, an' I know... I know if he pulls on me 'gain, things aren't gonna turn out so lucky for none've us. No matter what happens, though, you ain't got no business bein' at neither end of another gun, Sheriff. Not with folk dependin' on you."

He's silent a long while, turning over her words and the offer she's making in his head.

Finally he looks over at her, shaking his head.

"I can't do that, Kate. I can't let you take all this on yourself. I'm gonna figure out what to do with the gun, an' I'm not gonna leave you alone in the middle of all this."

She sighs, a little dejected. It's nothing more than what she expected he would say, but at the same time she knows she won't ever forgive herself if Bill gets hurt. He's already been through so much.

Head down, jaw set, she goes through all of her options. She knows arguing with him won't work -- even if he does agree to leave, it will be against his will, and their relationship will be even more strained than it already is -- but she can't get what Esfir has said out of her head.

She needs to get her head on straight, which is hard to do when people she cares about are being threatened as a direct result of her actions.

"So what are we gonna do, Bill," she murmurs, not lifting her chin to look at him.

He shakes his head, taking a drink before answering.

"Steer clear of him for now, 'til we think of somethin' better."

It's not a plan at all, more a hope, really.

"Maybe if we hold off long enough he'll make a mistake an' we can-- "

He shakes his head again, not even sure where that train of thought was going.

Kate shakes her head slowly.

"Y'gotta meet with him, 'fore the three days is up. I don't doubt if you don't he'll hold it 'gainst you 'til the day you die."

Which might be sooner rather than later.

(The thought makes her wince.)

"I can be there, if you'd like me to. Or somebody else y'trust more'n me. I wouldn't dare meet with him alone. He don't seem t'make mistakes unless he gits hisself real flustered an' angry, and y'shouldn't try an' get him t'that point. Not without a plan."

"I'm sure he will."

Not that giving the gun back will make things any better.

He thinks about that a moment, then shakes his head.

"I'm not gonna do it."

"Not gonna do what?"

"I ain't gonna give him his damn gun back."

She doesn't say anything for a long time.

"Y'sure that's entirely wise?"

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[ooc: Holy cow! GAAAH! I'm soooo sorry, I've had the worst time ever trying to reply to this thread. I've had my reply ready since my lunch, but for some insane reason whenever I loaded this particular tag in reply mode, my phone would shut off. Like, completely power down and restart itself.

I have no idea why, it was only when I was in the reply part, and only with this one tag of yours. Everything else would load fine, I could see this thread and the tag, but whenever I tried to reply it would kill my phone, so I had to wait until I got home to type on the computer. *sigh* I'm so sorry for the delay, hopefully my technologies will be better behaved.]

[ooc: *FLAILS* I KILL UR TECKNOLOGEE. I SO SRY!

;D *snugs* No worries, sweetheart! That... is the weirdest thing I've heard all day, but man, I tell you what. Sometimes electronics do some weird things. I'm just waiting for Best Buy to start selling HALs. ;)]

[ooc: I don't even knoooow. It was the most random ass thing ever. And I love my phone dearly, but I wanted to set the thing on fire because it was driving me nuts.]