milliways_bar | (no subject)

"I would've thought you'd want me to lose."

He glances down at the bar, tracing the grain with his fingers.

Why? Because it's wrongright and he doesn't understand. So he says simply;

"I don't understand it."

"I do...because I know that Meg needs Anthy. And you should have approached Meg about this honestly instead of...doing as you did. But I don't want you...like that."

I want you better...

Nick's hand settles at the side of Alex's neck, his hand curled around and his thumb making light circles on Alex's jaw.

"I don't either. But...I...you as well?"

"Should've done a lot of things I didn't. Shouldn't've done a lot of things I did."

He keeps looking at the Bar, tracing idle shapes with his fingertips.

"Thoughts like that will kill you...or worse. I know."

He looks at Alex.

"I know."

And then he's kissing him again, only it's light. Not so much desperation as...concern. Caring. Something he won't name. A simple press of lips.

He pulls back. Looks at Alex.

"Already dead, pet."

He doesn't react to the kiss, except that his breathing quickens slightly. He keeps looking at the Bar, his expression unreadable.

Nick doesn't even blink.

"Same here, Alex."

The hand stays where it is.

He looks up, and there's confusion in his eyes.

"What happens now?"

"I don't know."

He closes his eyes before opening them to look at Alex.

"What do you want to happen?"

He shakes his head helplessly.

"I don't know."

He reaches up to touch the bite again, and his fingers brush against Nick's hand.

Nick almost startles from the light touch but he stills before leaning over to kiss Alex again. It's almost achingly slow and just a little deeper than before, but no less full of...something.

"What do you want?"

He looks at Alex with gentle eyes, blue.

"I don't know."

There's a hint of desperation in his voice.

"Do you want me to stop? Do you want me to go? Do you...want me to take my hands from you?"

He looks at Alex.

"Do you want me to kiss you again?"

"I don't know what I want. Nothing makes any sense anymore."

"When did this make any sense?"

He laughs softly, not the hysterical laughter of the other night.

"Mithros, I'm fucked up..."

"You're not alone...on that."

He looks down at the Bar again.

He might be crying. It's hard to tell.

Nick's thumb rubs along Alex's cheek. It's been doing that. He might be wiping away tears. It's hard to tell.

His eyes are closed, and he's shaking just the slightest bit.

"Oh, gods..."

Nick leans over...and very carefully presses a light kiss to Alex's cheek. He stands...and finally does what he's wanted to do for some time.

He wraps his arms around him and holds him. Loose...loose enough that Alex could easily get out; Nick's arms aren't even totally around him. But he holds him and presses his forehead to Alex's.

"I know."

He doesn't try to get out from the circle of Nick's arms, doesn't flinch or stiffen or freak. It's almost a relief to be held like this.

Nick just stays there and lets Alex take what he can from this.

"I won't move until you want me to. I won't...do anything unless you want me to."

Almost in a whisper, "I don't want to fight. I don't want to fight her."

Nick nods and pulls Alex just the tiniest bit closer.

"You don't have to. Things...things will work out. I...don't know how, but they will. Meg doesn't want to fight you any more than you want to fight her. We just..."

He sighs and allows his head to drop a little onto Alex's shoulder, his lips only a few inches from Alex's ear as he whispers.

"We'll figure something out, Alex. We will. I know Meg."

His eyes close.

"But I do have to. I have to - I have to save him. Have to help him. S'what I've been trying to do for... I don't know, since before the stuff with security happened. It's... important. I have to..."

He looks confused for a moment, and lifts one hand to his temple.