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Some time ago for romantic purposes Karkat came into possession of a large holographic video display. He has been nursing an idea for a while, but the weather outside in mock-Scotland has been too grotesque to make it feasible.

Tonight, however, the grotty mist has finally stopped and when Karkat rises with the moon he discovers weather that is almost practically tolerable, especially once he deploys a firepit and spreads a tarp over the damp ground.

He fiddles with the projector a bit, finally managing to project the king-sized screen he wants over the lake. The first romcom he cues up is Pretty Woman, and he grunts with satisfaction as he plops himself into an stuffed husk he hauled down from his room and the familiar opening begins to unfold.

Welcome to the drive-in. The second film in the triple feature will be Grosse Pointe Blank, followed by My Best Friend's Wedding.

[OPEN THREAD! Feel free to use the setting with or without tagging Karkat, he will out here all night marathoning cheesy romantic comedies. Feel free to suggest movies that will follow Pretty Woman, and I will update this post with a list of the ones this cranky sumbitch has approved that people can reference playing.]

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[OOC: The scene he's talking about. lthough it happens much later than the part mentioned just now.]

(The scene has cut away to the next morning, and there is in fact a fair amount of the bare skin of her back visible as she sleeps, her cheesy platinum wig secure on the bedpost.)

"SHE IS A TRANSACTIONAL COUPLER AND HE IS A LONELY CAPITALIST, BUT IT ALL UNFOLDS IN A MODERATELY UNEXPECTED WAY," he says, uncharacteristically terse.

He is trying to pull himself upright from the husk and look less slumpy, and simultaneously take the measure of this... person.

After an hard-to-measure amount of time in the bar, he is on the high side of six sweeps... maybe closer to fifteen than thirteen by now. He is short and stocky, built like a fireplug with an expression that is permanently irascible and suspicious and just faintly exhausted.

He's wearing the short-sleeved t-shirt with the ~ath logo Kanaya made him instead of the long-sleeved one with his sign, which means that more scars are visible; usually only his hands and face are in sight. (He was wearing his jacket before Autor came out, but it has his sign on it in red, so it had to be hastily chucked into his sylladex.)

He is all in shades of black and grey, except for the yellow-orange of his eyes and horns and fingernails and the gleam of his fangy overbite. And his hair is... terminal.

Autor has already taken measure of Karkat. He clasps his hands behind his back, and keeps his eyes on the screen during his own inspection.

He appears to be sixteen or seventeen, though he'd be hard-pressed to tell you what his true age is. He stands about five and a half feet tall, and barely breaks a hundred pounds.

He's clad in a smirk, a cravat, and an impeccable blue blazer which matches Fakir's.

"Transactional coupl--" Autor starts, and then flushes as he adjusts his glasses. "Oh. Well, then." He clears his throat. "She looks much better with red hair. By 'moderately unexpected', do you mean he uses his money to lift her out of this situation?"

"I just want your extra time and your"--smooch smooch smooch smooch smooch--"kiss!" Julia Roberts sings, and she sounds as if she's gargling water.

And Autor busts up laughing.

He rolls his eyes. "THAT IS NOT THE UNEXPECTED PART, NOT IN A HUMAN MOVIE."

"IT IS A PRETTY GOOD MOVIE, FOR A HUMAN FLICK. IT DOES NOT HAVE THE COMPLEXITIES AND EMOTIONAL CHOREOGRAPHY OF A TROLL ROMANCE BUT IT'S OKAY."

Edited 2013-03-09 03:48 (UTC)

"What is it, then?" Autor asks, smiling. "Or are you going to make me suffer through more redheaded transactional couplings?"

Then he raises his brows. "Trolls produce romantic movies as well? Interesting! Actually, I'm surprised you didn't play one of those. Human romances must be dreadfully boring, regardless of how nauseatingly charming the main leads are."

Edited 2013-03-09 03:51 (UTC)

Karkat folds his arms; partly because he's cold without his jacket, but mostly out of posturing. "ARE YOU KIDDING ME? WE HAD MOVIES FOR LITERALLY THOUSANDS OF YEARS, WE RAN OUT OF TITLES FOR THEM AFTER A WHILE."

"I WATCH A LOT OF TROLL ROMANTIC COMEDIES, TOO, BUT NOT ON GIANT SCREENS FOR A BUNCH OF HUMAN NOOKSNIFFERS TO WATCH AND FAIL TO COMPREHEND. I WATCH THEM IN PRIVATE, BY MYSELF OR WITH NEPETA MAYBE. BESIDES, I HAVE SEEN ALL OF THEM A FEW DOZEN TIMES AND EVEN THE BEST OF THEM ARE LOUSY WITH IMPERIAL PROPAGANDA."

"HUMAN ROMANCE IS REALLY ONE DIMENSIONAL AND SIMPLISTIC BUT THE MOVIES ARE ALRIGHT SOMETIMES."

Autor tilts his head, considering this. Then he drags a somewhat dry log over near the husk to sit on. "So human romances are mindless fluff for you. Heh. I should like to see one of these troll romances, even if my brain can't wrap around it completely."

He waits for Vivian to strut her stuff.

"You're so intense, Karkat," he says, cupping his chin in his hands. "I didn't have the impression before tonight that you were a dreamer."

Karkat is discomfitted. "WHAT THE SHIT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"

Autor laughs, and sweeps his hand across the area. "You have a giant screen floating over a lake under a cool, starry night sky, and the first thing you play on it is a romantic comedy involving two wounded people from different stations healing each other. To say nothing of your expertise in troll romances, though that's more situation-based, perhaps."

He closes his eyes, granting the troll a bit of privacy. "Dreaming isn't such a bad thing, really. Keeps you from being bored."

"IT IS FASCINATING, THEY CONSTRUCT THESE ELABORATE FRAUDULENT EDIFICES, BOTH MUTUALLY AGREEING TO COLLABORATE IN THIS GIGANTIC WORK OF FICTION, JUST TO MAKE AN EXCUSE TO PRETEND TO FALL IN LOVE WITH EACH OTHER. AND EVEN THOUGH THEY BOTH KNOW IT IS FAKE MADE-UP FAIRY TALE THEY BOTH COOPERATIVELY SHAT OUT, IT ACTUALLY HAPPENS ANYWAY. THEIR EMOTIONS JUST STONE COLD DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT WHAT REALITY SAYS IS THE WAY IT IS."

"HOW CAN ANYBODY SAY THIS SHIT ISN'T FASCINATING?"

Edited 2013-03-09 04:39 (UTC)

"It is," he admits, and laces his fingers together. "Sometimes going through the motions triggers the same response as if it were real. Humans do that, be it with affection or stark terror."

He shrugs. "You were right in this particular case, though. She is a tapestry of raw emotion and completely charming."

"SHE IS REALLY GOOD ALSO IN THE ONE WHERE SHE PLAYS THIS REALLY REPREHENSIBLE PERSON WHO ONLY REALIZES SHE HAS A FLUSHED ATTRACTION TO HER BEST FRIEND WHEN HE IS ON THE CUSP OF A HUMAN ROMANTIC CONTRACT WITH A DIFFERENT FEMALE."

Autor grins. "Envy is a wonderful motivator. Given that this is a romantic comedy, I assume she didn't simply gut the both of them and revel in bittersweet victory?"

"NO, SHE ENGAGES IN A LOT OF MENDACIOUS SCHEMES AND IT AT FIRST IT SEEMS LIKE SHE'S GOING TO BE REWARDED BUT THEN THE FILM PULLS A MEAN DOUBLE-REACHAROUND AND IT TURNS OUT IT WAS ABOUT AN UNDIAGNOSED PALE ROMANCE ALL LONG, ESSENTIALLY."

Autor tilts his head. "That actually sounds hilarious. I assume her schemes come back to bite her aside from the major plot twist? Also, I have to say that I'm amused you're using troll romance terms to describe these human schemes. I would have thought that we couldn't even start to approximate the nuance of flushed and pale."

He purses his lips. "Kisemesis might be plausible, but that's just a theory of mine."

Karkat clamps his teeth down hard to keep from showing any kind of visible reaction to that idea. "I HAVE NEVER GOTTEN A CLEAR READ ON THAT FROM THE HUMANS I HAVE MET. SOMETIMES PEOPLE SEEM TO THINK IT IS POSSIBLE, BUT THEN OTHER SEEM THEATRICALLY HORRIFIED AND EVEN TERRIFIED OF THEIR OWN POTENTIAL FOR CALIGINOUS FEELINGS."

He shrugs. "ANYWAY... SHE IS DELUDED AND DANGEROUS ENOUGH TO NEED PACIFICATION, AND THERE IS NO CHANCE OF CONCUPISCENT ENTANGLEMENT IN THAT QUARTER, BECAUSE OF RIDICULOUS HUMAN CONCEPTS OF SEXUALITY, SO IT'S A GOOD ENOUGH FIT. HUMANS JUST DON'T RECOGNIZE THOSE KINDS OF RELATIONSHIPS AS BEING AS IMPORTANT AS FLUSHED ROMANCE. BUT THIS ONE IS AN EXCEPTION, HER FLUSHED ASPIRATIONS HAVE TO BE LAID TO REST AND THE RELATIONSHIP THAT IS AFFIRMED IS WITH HER GUY SHE HAS RUN RAGGED TRYING TO KEEP HER OUT OF TROUBLE."

Edited 2013-03-09 05:38 (UTC)

"That's silly," Autor snorts. "A negative emotion is still an emotion, and we all have them. We are all capable of great hatred--energy which can be channeled whichever way we see fit, provided we can control it. And, when we don't? When we can find someone who enrages us beyond belief? That is terrifying--but it's a rush, too. I guess some are just more exhausted easily?"

Then he grins. "So is the trick finding someone attractive who you can antagonize mutually? Because I'd sure like to know--for my own research, of course. Pass that on to Nepeta, would you? 'The outcast says it might be plausible'.

"Oh, no, the schemer has someone saving her? Huh. That makes sense, I guess. Malicious entanglements tend to hurt when they backfire. I suspect it was rather difficult for her to let go--people call that maturing, I guess."

"YEAH, WELL, THAT IS WHAT MAKES IT A PALE ROMANTIC MOVIE, IT ALL ABOUT HER LEARNING THAT SHE CAN'T ALWAYS GET WHAT SHE WANTS WHEN SHE WANTS IT AND BEING CHARMING AND BEAUTIFUL IS NOT AN EXCUSE FOR BEING A SHITTY DISASTER OF A PERSON."

"WHY DON'T YOU TELL NEPETA YOURSELF, SHE IS ON TROLLIAN OBVIOUSLY."

"Which is funny, because in this movie, her charm and beauty is what nets her the love interest cum savior."

Autor notes Karkat's deferral to Nepeta--and lack of commentary--with raised brow. "Ah, that's a good point," he says, and pats the pocket containing his T-minus. "These are such useful things."

Now he's going to find a stick to poke the husk with. "What did this belong to?"

Karkat furrows his brow. "I DON'T KNOW, SOME KIND OF USELESS SEAT CREATURE BRED FOR THE PURPOSE. PROBABLY NOT EVEN A REAL ONE, THE BAR PROBABLY CONJURED IT OUT OF THE VOID ALREADY DEAD. LIKE FOOD."

"Seat creature!" Autor says, chuckling. "Now I'm envisioning a barely-sentient beast going to school to learn how best to support the slouch unique to trolls."

"WHY THE FUCK WOULD IT NEED TO BE SENTIENT AT ALL? IT'S CLEARLY DEAD. IT WAS JUST BRED TO BE LIKE THAT, HATCHED, FATTENED UP, AND KILLED. IT BARELY EVEN EVER HAD A NERVOUS SYSTEM."

"GOD, YOU ARE SO FREQUENTLY SIMULTANEOUSLY BEWILDERING AND AWFUL."

The phalangeal binding is on the other hoof now, isn't it, Karkat?

Edited 2013-03-09 13:15 (UTC)

"Why, Karkat, you artless bugbear!" Autor says, batting his eyelashes like he'd seen Poins do once. "Are you flirting with me? Very forward of you."

His tone drips with enough sarcasm to pan-fry a liver. Let's hope it annoys.

Then he abruptly turns his head to the screen, dropping the topic. "The movie was... educational. Though I'm still horrified about what they did on the grand piano. Are all of these movies so lacking in decency? I've never yet seen a play so tasteless."

"IS THAT... A SERIOUS QUERY? OR MORE BADINAGE?"

"THE QUESTION ABOUT FLIRTING, NOT THE ONE ABOUT PORNOGRAPHY."

Autor peers at him. "Can it not be both?"

"NO, COME ON, RETRACT YOUR COY BULLSHIT, I AM SERIOUS."

"LOOK, THE QUESTION 'ARE YOU FLIRTING' IS AN ROUTINE TACTICAL RESPONSE IN ANY AMBIGUOUSLY FLIRTATIOUS EXCHANGE, RED OR BLACK. IT IS A VALID GAMBIT WITHIN THE CHESS GAME MINDFUCK OF ROMANTIC INTRIGUE, WITH CODIFIED INTERPRETATIONS THAT CAN BE DRAMATICALLY OPPOSED DEPENDING ON THE UNKNOWABLE INTENTIONS OF THE SPEAKER, AND THERE ARE PRESCRIBED COUNTERMOVES DEPENDING ON MY OWN INCLINATIONS AND MY READ OF THE INTERACTION."

"BUT IN THE MOUTH OF SOMEONE WHO IS UNFAMILIAR WITH THE NUANCES OF A BLACK SOLICITATION, IT COULD ALSO BE A LEGITIMATE AND STRAIGHTFORWARD QUESTION. AND I DON'T KNOW IF I AM SUPPOSED TO BE RESPONDING AS SOMEONE PROVIDING AN EDUCATIONAL BASELINE TO THE IGNORANT OR AS THE FIRST GUY."