milliways_bar | (no subject)

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Malcolm is celebrating reason #2323 why it's not such a bad thing to be post-living: no taxes to file this week.

That's why he's sipping that Glenmorangie, though actually, he doesn't really need a reason. The rest of his attention is directed at the tablet he has on the bar in front of him.

He's protecting his front lawn from zombies. Because classics never get old.

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Will fidgets. Okay, clearly Carlotta has sent this guy to help him talk about the war. But it's so hard to know where to begin.

"Carlotta saved lives during the war. About a thousand all things considered. She got a promotion and a medal after her discharge due to injury.

I killed people. I crashed my plane in her undercover area, blew her cover, and she got shot. And after I rescued her, and she went home, and we found out she was pregnant with Molly, I was flying over Germany murdering civilians."

"And let me guess: your commanders said it was all justified. Honor and duty, that sort of thing?"

Will nods.

"The soldiers used to call me 'Wet Willie'." he says, quietly. "Because..." He hesitates, then pulls out his right hand from his pocket, where he tends to put it when not using it, and shows Malcolm the visible tremor.

"It only goes away when I drink. When I got back here, I couldn't do my act any more, and I couldn't bear the people staring at me like they had when I walked through the streets of Germany, when they shouted at me and showed me... what we had done."

"You know, I've never been a soldier myself. So I'd never say I understand what you went through."

"But I have talked to a lot of soldiers in my time. And I don't think I've ever met one who didn't tell me at some point, 'It's the soldiers who aren't worried that are the ones to stay the hell away from.'"

"I'm not worried, I'm going to Hell because I'm a murderer, a war criminal." Will says. "I killed women and children, I sent bombs down over entire villages. They called it 'carpet bombing'. They stood there as we marched through showing pictures of the children I had helped kill. Of survivors missing limbs.

I can't tell Carlotta because she'll never be able to look at me again."

"You might be selling her short on that, Will. But even if you'd rather not talk to her about this--I can respect that--you're going to have to talk to someone."

"It's not like the bottle can really help. You've already learned that."

"Well so far you're the only person I told... I don't know why, I guess it's because you're not from my world so you can't lock me up."

He looks down and fidgets.

"Yeah. And when I get drunk, I do all sorts of stupid things. I've had... a number of one-night stands. I'm not even sure exactly how many. Carlotta knows and... she's been awfully decent, really, it's really not acceptable to behave like that in our time, but she says if I do it again she may be forced to leave with Molly. I spent all last year's circus takings on alcohol and we nearly didn't make it through winter. I've shoplifted alcohol... didn't get caught, which is just as well, because I'm on a suspended sentence for assaulting a court official when we lost custody of Little William. They'd wrestled Carlotta to the floor for shouting at Little William's mum and I panicked and lashed out to defend her." He rubs his face. "I've been a terrible husband, I don't know why she stays."

Malcolm smiles slightly, "I think it might have something to do with her loving you."

"But, no, you don't have to worry about me trying to get you locked up. Actually, you're not the first person I've met with things like that in his past. Trying to help people work through that and learn how to live with memories like that is what I do. But I can't offer you any miracle, one-night cures."

Will nods.

"I've felt better since I stopped drinking, but it's very hard not to start again. I managed to tell Carlotta that I can't cope with being stared at, and that's why I work at the stables and just come up here a few days a week. I couldn't ruin her dreams, after everything I promised about us touring six months a year. She's worked so hard to be a female ringmaster, it's so difficult and I'm proud of her, even if it's hard taking orders from my wife."

He kicks at a stone slightly. "I always wanted us to be a family, with lots of kids. I found out after we married that she wanted to wait much longer for children, wasn't sure if she wanted any at all. We married when war broke out so it was a rush. Molly came along after we bumped into each other in active service, otherwise I don't know if she'd ever have given me a child. I'm not even sure Molly is mine."

"Families aren't always just blood relations. Families can be people we choose to treat like blood relations too. And there's nothing to say you two couldn't have a larger family some day--however you get there--but it sounds like you're going to have to fight for it first."

"The stables are a good start. Having work you care about is a good step toward recovery. But there are other steps too."

Malcolm nods. "And we can work on that drinking too. If you think you're ready for help with that."

"If I can admit I fathered a child, she should be able to tell me if Molly isn't mine." Will says. "She doesn't even call me Daddy, she calls me Will, but Carlotta insists that's a circus thing. I missed nearly the whole first year of her life and it's been hard to bond, though we're getting better, because she runs up to me now."

"I'm good with horses, and my father has a bad heart, so it's good that I'm building up the business again. We lost a lot of money in the war."

He nods. "I want to stop. I've joined the AA but... I've lapsed a few times. Please don't tell Carlotta. I know I've cheated but I love her so much."

"I'm not going to tell Carlotta anything about your past unless you give me permission to. I can promise you that."

"As for the rest," Malcolm gestures sympathetically. "Some of it just takes time, Will. Keep going to the meetings, that's the important thing."

"If you'd like to keep meeting like this to talk about things, we can do that too. Maybe one of those times Carlotta to join us, and then maybe we can talk about Molly or anything else you both want to. But for now, my guess is she might need time before she can talk about her past too."

Will nods.

"Carlotta... well, if Molly isn't mine, she had to do it for information. Her mum died in childbirth, as did her gran, which is probably why she isn't keen on having kids."

He hesitates, then makes eye contact.

"I think that might help. Thanks Dr Crowe."

Malcolm nods. "That would make sense about Molly if it happened that way. But... yeah, let's set that aside for another time."

(That was not something Malcolm wanted either of them to speculate about just then.)

"You're welcome, Will. I"m glad to help however I can."

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