milliways_bar | (no subject)

A quiet sound, not quite a laugh, but almost.

"No, it's... you don't need to apologize to me, Kitty, lord..."

He shakes his head.

"No. It's all right. I think I'd rather like to tell, actually."

But despite that, it's quiet for a moment, as again he studies the contents of his mug, silent.

"He wasn't... wasn't very good with a sword, really. He didn't like to fight, which seemed such a change from everyone else I knew by then, although... well, I suppose there were a few others as well. Susan never appreciated the need to fight, for others or... or for whatever reason it was. For fun, every once in a while. I don't think Susan was ever even quite so fond of the tournaments, although I know she much preferred them."

Another moment of quiet, and something that's not quite a sigh.

"But oh, how he loved to read. And stories, too, not just of England, not just of the things we'd discovered in Narnia and the adventures we'd had there as we ruled her... but any sort of story at all, half-remembered fairy tales, mysteries, those detective stories I used to read... Anything. Anything you could think to tell him, he'd listen and it- it was just - you could see how much it all meant to him."

"He died." It's not really a question.

"It was... he was almost ready to be knighted, I think. There weren't any other requirements for him, he just... he didn't think he was quite ready, but he was far more prepared for it than I ever was, knighted on the field after almost dying in my first battle."

And for a moment, perhaps, he looks as though every year he has lived weighs on him, and heavily. And in that moment, perhaps, he looks so very much older than a mere nineteen, by any measure.

"There was a battle - hardly more than a skirmish, really. In Galma, one of the islands to the east of Cair Paravel, but part of Narnia anyway, really. Bandits, I think - it's hard to remember, you see, why we were fighting. I just remember that he and I were there, and others - perhaps ten of us, I think, I just... I'm sorry. It's - it's hard to remember, as I say."

He takes another sip of his tea, and if he burns his tongue this time there's no sign of it.

"I don't think there were more than twenty, perhaps twenty-five of the bandits, but... Enough, I suppose. I shouldn't have brought him with me, but he was the cousin of the royal house in Archenland and the heir had been missing for years, most of the decade, and Corin truly wasn't shaping up to be a king - I'd brought Sharrin with me, even though he was even further from the line of succession, because Corin would need him, really, as a diplomat. Oh lord, Corin, there's someone I haven't thought of in ages... marvellous boxer, that one was."

A quiet, almost-silent chuckle, and he shakes his head.

"'s not the point, though, I suppose. I was... I had been planning to show Sharran the difference between the governments of Galma, of Narnia, and of Archenland, but first we had to clear out the bandits for them - they'd nothing of a military, really, and the bandits were better on land than their navy was."

Another quick sip of his tea.

"And... we found them, they were holed up in a cave not so very far from the water. And we fought them, and every last one of them died, because I - well. They shot him, almost before the battle started it seemed. And Lucy - Lucy wasn't there, you see, because it was just such a small mission and so we were all so unlikely to be hurt, but... he was there as squire, not as knight. He didn't have armor, he didn't even have a shield with him, he was going to watch the horses and they shot him and - and he died. Yes."

Quiet, for just a moment.

"I... I suppose every once in a while I'm grateful, really, that he died so - so quickly. It was a very good shot, worthy of Susan or the DLF but... it was... it was Sharran and he was closer than a brother and I failed him because I was responsible for him."

Again, a pause.

"I told... I told the others to wait, then, because I - well, I wasn't thinking clearly, I know that now. I just... I had to be the one to do it."

Kitty studies him for a long moment before leaning in an kissing him. Very lightly, and just. Almost meant as a thanks for sharing and a sorry for the pain.

He smiles a little, lopsidedly, but doesn't kiss back, because he can't while he remembers the blood on his hands.

"There were twenty-three of them. Plus the archer. And I killed them all, because they killed my brother. And still the only thing I regret was that I brought him with me that day at all, that he came up the hill with us."

He looks away, back to his cup.

And it takes perhaps slightly more effort than he wishes, that he not reach for the bottle of vodka there on the table still.

"I came back, it was... it was sooner than they expected, I think, because I told them to wait for two hours before they came by. And it wasn't quite that long before I came out, and I don't think I said anything to any of them before I'd - I'd picked him up and carried him back. By myself. Not on the horse, because... he deserved better than that. Better than what I gave him. And he may have gotten to Aslan's Country, but he never managed to make it home."

Arms wrap around him, chin settling on his shoulder.

She doesn't say anything, because there's nothing to say.

He shakes his head.

"I'm sorry, Kitty. I didn't... I didn't mean to steal the evening away like that. I just... well. I suppose I was trying to say that... that I know what it's like, really, to - to lose someone you're responsible for. Not just... not just someone you feel responsible for, but - but someone you are."

He sighs, arm wrapping around her shoulders again, ducking his head a bit.

"I know you did what you could, because as I said you wouldn't have let yourself do any less. And... and sometimes, it's not enough. And sometimes it seems as though people think that shouldn't matter. I just... I wanted you to know that I don't think that. It... well. I know."

"You didn't steal anything." Then, "Thank you."

Another slight crooked smile.

"... thank you, really. For asking, or rather... well, not exactly asking. But for letting me talk about him."

"It's okay." Small shrug. "Don't mind listening."

And that way, he wasn't asking her anything.

He refills their drinks, arm still around her shoulders, and passes her her coffee.

"You don't really want to talk about it, do you?"

Small shrug.

She doesn't know, really.

"You don't have to, you know. But... you've listened to me, now, all sorts of things that I don't know if anyone other than Lucy ever knew. If there's ever anything you do want to say, well. I'll listen, is all, I suppose."

He smiles, just a little, crookedly.

"Mm." Then, "He's my second student who's died this year, you know. But I think this one was harder, almost."

"I... don't think I did know, no. Do you... do you know why, why it seems harder?"

She doesn't say anything. Then, "Because I knew exactly what he was going through. And I was there when it happened. I was the only one there, actually."

Quiet, for a long moment, and he's almost as quiet when he speaks.

"Did he say anything, there at the end?"

Sharran had.

There's a noise. Almost strangled, almost a laugh. "Yeah. He apologized for not being able to control it." Nails digging into her palm deep enough to cut.

A noise that's not dissimilar, as his hand wraps around hers, stopping her.

"... not so very unlike Sharran, then."

Quiet, for a moment, as his fingers lace through hers.

"What... what was his name, Kitty?"

"Jacob." Pulls her hand away, wiping it on her jeans because they're bloody now. "His name was Jacob."

"It's all so fucking stupid."

He's had blood on his own hands.

Sometimes it's better when at least you can see it.

If she lets him, he takes her hand again.

"Yes, it is, rather."

More quietly, again:

"I am so very, very sorry, Kitty. I wish there were something I could have done to help you."

She lets him.

"Stupid mutation. Stupid life." Stupid God, too, maybe.

"You couldn't. No one could have done anything." And that makes her feel very, very tired.

EIther that, or the fact that she hasn't slept for two days. Or both.

"But thank you." Faint smile, then. Not really amused, but. Something. "Closest thing he ever had to a date, he said, and it was with his teacher."

He smiles a little, not quite sadly, but not anything else.

Just a smile, perhaps.

"First dates are always with a teacher, one way or another, though."

The smile widens, almost imperceptibly.

"You're welcome, of course, Kitty."

And perhaps his other hand is playing with the ends of her hair again, just a little.

"Mm. Normally not quite in this way, though." Squeezes his hand because she can. "Though I did get him to finally call me by my first name."

Eyes close again for a minute. Just resting and trying to not think for a few seconds.

He pulls her head to his shoulder again, hand smoothing over her hair.