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Stephanie has discovered the fire, and is currently curled into a tight ball in an enormous armchair watching the flames. She mostly looks sad, tired and thoughtful, but every so often she giggles and hugs herself, in the manner of one who's had a lot of bad things and one incredibly good thing happen to her recently. She's got a lot to think about. But she's never been particularly good at thinking things through - it's hard work. She'd welcome distractions.

[Mace Windu helps Steph work through some more of her ever-multiplying Issues, with a little help from the Force; Steph and Connor get to know each other a little, in that we're-from-the-same-universe-let's-talk way.]

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"Yeah. Exactly." Steph glances over at him. "I never thanked you for what you said, that other time. It really helped."

[OOC: mun has to go, but will be back in a couple of hours. fade? or slowtime? up to you.]

"you do not have to thank me. but you are welcome."

(slowtime is good. he has a few more things to offer as advice.)

[back! thank you!]

Steph nods, and returns her attention to the dancing flames. They remind her of her nightmares, and she's forcing herself to watch them as some twisted form of penance - she's not even sure why she's doing it. Some of this may or may not come across to a Jedi, since her thoughts are pretty intense.

"you are yearning for punishment, Stephanie. that is not healthy." He is very concerned.

"What? I'm not - I'm - that's not true." She doesn't meet his eyes.

"look in to your heart, stephanie. just look."

"Fine! But I have to! I mean, look at all this - and I get to drink hot chocolate and talk to people and be happy - and I caused so much death - it's not fair. I don't deserve to be here." She curls up tighter and puts her face on her knees. "It's not fair."

He moves closer. "your suffering will undo any harm you caused? punishing you, will change anything? and since you are here, it will serve even as a warning to the people you know, about the dangers of 'taking a step longer than your legs'?"

Funny how he radiates an aura of calm, almost paternal.

She takes a moment to gain control of herself. It helps, that he's there.

"It won't change anything. I can't change things. But ... I ..." She struggles for words. "Someone has to pay the price. And it should be me."

"You did. You died. You lost your world, and you have to start over, here. you acted foolishly, and you lost everything. I dare say, you 'payed price' enough, Stephanie."

"But - I was talking to Nightwing, and ... back there, it's not over. There's still - people are still hurting, and everything's changed, and ... and I have a better life here than I ever did before..."

She's a Bat through and through. Wallowing in guilt is second nature, although she'll probably get over it sooner or later.

"and you can not do anything to change it, or make it better. and you suffer because of it. why are you still seeking more punishment, Stephanie?"

Somehow, in the face of his calm and firm voice, her reasons seem kind of silly.

"I ... someone has to," she manages, and then can't really think of anything else.

"why? do not let your guilt rule your life, stephanie. it will drag you down, and prevent you from doing any good."

"I don't know what good I can do anyway," she says, in a very small voice. "I just don't know."

"perhaps, I can help you find an answer, or rather, several. the first good you can do, is good for yourself. learn from it, and grow stronger in spirit."

"Good ... for myself?" Steph's tempted to say I don't deserve good, but she's pretty sure he wouldn't stand for that. "What do you mean?"

"Learn. Improve. It was excess that caused your problems. excess of zeal, excessive eagerness to do something great, a great change and great good. So much excess, that you forgot you could be reaching for too much."

He rests a hand over hers. "You are doing the same thing right now. Feeling so guilty, you are trapped with inaction. So eager to be punished by your mistakes, you stopped thinking what comes next; punishment can not last forever. Such energy, is better employed elsewhere: improving the lives of people who suffer, or healing the harm previous actions caused."

He does not speak the next. He lets it echo in the Force, expecting Stephanie's mental barriers to be low enough so it will penetrate deep in her mind, and hopefully take root. A pearl of wisdom: Healer, heal thyself.

Healer, heal thyself. Steph's not sure where the thought comes from, but it sits there in her mind, somehow the only calm thing in her stormy thoughts.

"I ... I could ... I only wanted to help people, even in the beginning... I could do that. I could ..." ...heal myself. "...maybe I could figure out a way..."

"You can. If you want to help, if you want to be useful, if you want it strongly enough to set aside this heavy burden of grief that is making you slow and sluggish. You can."

"I think I have to," Steph says slowly. "I ..."

Heal thyself.

"...yes. I will."

"good." He smiles, approvingly. "very good."

Yes, it was somewhat a dirty trick, but... it will fade, as she improves.

It's probably just the sort of dirty trick she needed. She bows her head and thinks about it.

[Mun is so going to bed now. nearly 6am! eep! want to slowtime again, or fade here?]

(fade for now. he will resume the teaching after she has given it a little tought. good night!)

g'night! I so love your Mace, btw. *fangirls*

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vaapadmaster.livejournal.com - 2005-06-20 20:36 (UTC) - Expand

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