milliways_bar | (no subject)

A central booth. Love, my temper is short...

He allows a fraction of the argument to be replayed, the sense of jealousy and anger he feels.

We need you.

Gorlim... rolls his eyes, scoops up the gently protesting cat, and trundles off with the feline under his arm to find Lee and Namo. Eventually he wanders by the right booth and pulls up a chair, refusing to appear to take sides by sitting on one bench or the other.

"Right, you lugs, what the hell is this now?"

The cat, annoyed at having been disturbed, leaps off Gorlim's lap and begins an exploration of the table.

"Fucked if I know." He's a little unnerved, not really knowing what's just happened. "Namo?"

"I cannot answer your fears about the bond, Lee. Gorlim can."

He fidgets just a bit.

"And he knows of our argument."

"I know you're both acting like children," he says, giving them both Meaningful Looks. "I know I've heard small bits of this thing you call an arguement but I fail to understand what about it has offended either of you. I know I was called here from a nap and you've upset my cat so explain, please."

Ailbhe -- for Ailbhe it is, grown significantly from her kitten stage and showing signs that she will become a stunning longhair as an adult -- sits primly by the wall and begins to groom her tail.

Lee directs a pointed look at Namo. He's not going to be the one to explain.

...well, all right, just to move things along, although he really has no clue.

"I was just...concerned about the bond's effect on privacy. He figures you can help with this."

Námo remains stoicly silent, his eyes veiled as he looks at Lee.

Gorlim sighs.

"Lee, I am able to shut off any aspect of my mind from Namo except the single one we have permanently bound, which was the REASON I allowed this in the first place. The only thing I will never be able to hide from him is when I want to hurt myself. I could sever the bond any time I pleased, as could you, were it made. It is not at all difficult, and if I can do it, anyone can. I can be the thickest numbskull in all the worlds sometimes, but I can hush up anything I don't wish to be overheard, as can he."

He does not, for all their sakes, use the example of the night Namo and Lee were together, when he could not call to Namo no matter how he tried.

He nods slowly, doubts addressed. When put that way...no, his worries aren't problems anymore.

He looks back up at both of them. "And...you would honestly want this? Both of you? You're certain?"

He's addressing this more to Gorlim than Namo, but he does mean both.

"I would not have brought it up if I did not," he mumbles. "And if you wish the same type of bond Gorlim has, it is easily duplicated."

Which, without saying, meant that there were other forms.

"Eh? Well... I never thought about it before. Didn't know you might want it. But... sure. I don't mind. Lee knows all I am anyway." If he hadn't found out about that night by the lake, he'd have hesitated. But not anymore. Lee knows his darkness, and has stood against it. Lee is welcome into him.

He looks from one to the other, eyes narrowed slightly.

"I'm glad you 'don't mind,' but, I mean--this is serious, isn't it? If we don't all want it the same...there are going to be problems. I don't want to jump into it if you've never even thought about it. Not if you might change your mind or if you have doubts about it or..."

He looks to Gorlim.

"You have a very specific bond. I made it as I did because there was only one reason it was needed. It is slim, easily barred, with little control over each other's minds..."

A pause.

A thought.

An idea.

He looks away.

"Lee, you have seen the stuff of all my nightmares, and I would trust you with anything I am. I have very little to hide. You would never be unwelcome in any part of my life."

He looks at Namo, eyes narrowing. "What?" He can tell there's something brewing, but cannot eavesdrop without it being communicated to him directly.

"But you would have preferred I not want to be involved."

He glances over at Namo, carefully concealing his hurt.

He returns his gaze to Gorlim.

There are deeper bonds that can be made, lover. If one was made with him, perhaps his mind and heart could keep mine safe within my Halls.

Then his eyes swing back to Lee.

"If we had preferred you to not be involved, this discussion would not even be occurring, Lee."

Gorlim's eyes widen.

He looks from Namo to Lee and back again.

"If Lee agrees," he says aloud, "it must be done."

Oh. Now all of a sudden you give a shit. Thank you, brother. I love you too.

But he doesn't know what Namo's said to provoke this.

"If I agree to what?" he demands, more harshly than he means to.

"He was willing to allow you in without us receiving in anything in return, Lee," Námo snaps before he can stop himself. He looks away. "If nothing else, I must teach you how to keep your thoughts to yourself. Quiet. Behind locks and doors and walls."

Gorlim thinks about it more, and waves his hand.

"Namo, wait. You can't keep your mind in Lee's to go to Aman, it would drive him mad as it did you, surely?"

He looks at Lee. "You're in quite a mood tonight, you know that? No one here is rejecting you or trying to insult you. We want you, in our lives, in our hearts, as part of all we are. Look, I know Mercutio's been a bastard to you, but we're not. We can't take his place, brother, but trust us to want you. More than anything. And stop trying to convince yourself we don't."

Ailbhe, at this point, decides to saunter over and hop into Lee's lap.

He smells like her brother.

He cuddles the cat instinctively, as angry as he is.

"You couldn't be more apathetic about it if you tried. Don't bullshit me. And you--" He rounds on Namo, the impact of Gorlim's words hitting him for the first time.

"You want to use me to protect you when you go back to your Halls? Is that it? That's why you were asking? That's why you brought it up? Of course, you sounded about as enthusiastic as Gorlim did when you mentioned the kind of bond you have with him, but when it's useful to you, when I can be a fucking human shield for you, now you're both all excited about it?"

He shakes his head. "Is that what you mean about giving something in return? Fucking liar. Gorlim didn't want me involved until you suggested that. And if that's what you want from me, fuck that shit. I would do it in addition to having a bond like you guys have. But you wouldn't want me contaminating that. The very idea is turning you both fucking green."

He finds something within him to keep from snapping in response. With Gorlim so close, and not growing angry himself, and his own love for Lee hot in his breast, he lets the harsh words roll off of him.

Give the Vala a cookie for that.

"Lee," he says calmly, gently. "My mind would not sit in yours. You would come with me to my Halls. You would be by my side. It would protect my mind, it would protect yours. And the thought just came to me when I was thinking of a the deeper types of bonds that could exist. I asked you weeks ago about the bond, lover -- and I asked you again before now, too. It was never my intent to only use you.

"You are not contaminating anything. You are adding to something already intimate and wonderful. You do not wish for the deeper bond? Then there is no reason to try for it. I will create exactly what is shared with Gorlim, show you how to sever it, and we can go on in that fashion. I just want to have you in here," he says, pointing to his temple. "It does not matter how or what I receive in return. I want to be able to call to you when I hurt or to tell you I love you without words, show you my heart -- I want Gorlim to be able to do those same things with you."

He lets out a long breath.

"We just want you."

"Right, what he said. More or less. Now don't say a damn thing, hang on."

Gorlim slips out of his seat, scuttles to the bar, and returns with a bowl of something approximately resembling macaroni and cheese and a mug of hot cider. "You fucking eat something before we go any further with this, and the Vala and I will bugger off and leave you to talk with the cat until you're ready to talk to us and not yell, all right? Either way, we're dropping the subject now and not bringing it back up until you finish that food."

If Namo's words hadn't snapped him out of it already, that would have. My god, what the fuck am I doing?

He accepts the food silently, without complaint at being treated like a child. Penance, really. If he acts like a child, he should damn well expect to be treated like one.

Not like he can force anything down his throat right now. Not if he tried.

Of course it wasn't his intent to use you. You fucking know him better than that. And when would Gorlim ever do that to you? Ever?

He sets the food down and rests his head in his hand, rubbing his eyes, ashamed of himself to the point of mortification.

"God, I'm sorry." And he knows that if he has to say that any more it'll cease to mean anything.

He looks up at Namo, swallowing hard. "Tell me how the protective bond would work. If it would be certain to work."

Námo glances to Gorlim, but he eventually turn his eyes to Lee.

His tone is quiet.

"It would be a more... permanent bond."

He glances back to Gorlim.

"While I have the ability to control my mind completely -- this is not something that has ever been done. Giving such control of my own mind over to someone else. I do not know if it could be broken, when it could be broken... and I do not know if it would truly protect me."