milliways_bar | (no subject)

maybe I want it to hurt me

Alex shrugs and drinks more of his tea.

"I've lost blood before."

"I don't want to hurt you, Alex."

Which makes him feel like an even bigger hypocrite than usual.

"I don't...I...I want..."

He lifts his hand again and runs the back of his fingers down the side of Alex's face.

"This makes...so...no...I don't...this isn't sane."

neither am I. neither are you. we both said as much

He doesn't protest the fingers touching his face.

"I'm sure you know what masochism is."

"That's different."

He's well-aware...but he's always been more of a hedonist.

He watches his hands, watches them trail along the cheek to the jaw, watches them slide across the throat with the lightest of touches to rejoin the jaw on the other side. Finally he looks up.

"What do you think of all this? Aside from...that it doesn't fit."

"Different how?"

He lets Nick run his fingers over his face, his throat.

"Don't ask me to answer that. I don't think I can."

"This will just make you weak. As...as much as the problem with Meg is one thing...that kind of weakness isn't good for you. It's not...pain. It's just...no."

Nick's hand runs down the other side of Alex's neck. He watches before looking up at Alex.

"Why?"

"I would've thought you'd want me to lose."

He glances down at the bar, tracing the grain with his fingers.

Why? Because it's wrongright and he doesn't understand. So he says simply;

"I don't understand it."

"I do...because I know that Meg needs Anthy. And you should have approached Meg about this honestly instead of...doing as you did. But I don't want you...like that."

I want you better...

Nick's hand settles at the side of Alex's neck, his hand curled around and his thumb making light circles on Alex's jaw.

"I don't either. But...I...you as well?"

"Should've done a lot of things I didn't. Shouldn't've done a lot of things I did."

He keeps looking at the Bar, tracing idle shapes with his fingertips.

"Thoughts like that will kill you...or worse. I know."

He looks at Alex.

"I know."

And then he's kissing him again, only it's light. Not so much desperation as...concern. Caring. Something he won't name. A simple press of lips.

He pulls back. Looks at Alex.

"Already dead, pet."

He doesn't react to the kiss, except that his breathing quickens slightly. He keeps looking at the Bar, his expression unreadable.

Nick doesn't even blink.

"Same here, Alex."

The hand stays where it is.

He looks up, and there's confusion in his eyes.

"What happens now?"

"I don't know."

He closes his eyes before opening them to look at Alex.

"What do you want to happen?"

He shakes his head helplessly.

"I don't know."

He reaches up to touch the bite again, and his fingers brush against Nick's hand.

Nick almost startles from the light touch but he stills before leaning over to kiss Alex again. It's almost achingly slow and just a little deeper than before, but no less full of...something.

"What do you want?"

He looks at Alex with gentle eyes, blue.

"I don't know."

There's a hint of desperation in his voice.

"Do you want me to stop? Do you want me to go? Do you...want me to take my hands from you?"

He looks at Alex.

"Do you want me to kiss you again?"

"I don't know what I want. Nothing makes any sense anymore."

"When did this make any sense?"

He laughs softly, not the hysterical laughter of the other night.

"Mithros, I'm fucked up..."

"You're not alone...on that."

He looks down at the Bar again.

He might be crying. It's hard to tell.

Nick's thumb rubs along Alex's cheek. It's been doing that. He might be wiping away tears. It's hard to tell.

His eyes are closed, and he's shaking just the slightest bit.

"Oh, gods..."