milliways_bar | (no subject)

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Life, it seems, had taken on some sort of routine, whether or not that routine was actually preferable. Stay at the... place they were staying at (certainly not home), go out for a few things but mostly patrol, go back. The bar had stopped inserting itself, and while he was grateful to not have to discuss things, he wasn't grateful for the absence.

But his routine had changed in the last few days, mostly because his father had decided he deserved some sort of break. He'd protested, and tried his best not to, but in the end got ushured off because his father was even more stubborn than he was. So it's been a lot less stressful, and now it seems that the bar is inserting itself once more.

Because instead of ending up where he wants to go, he ends up there instead.

He really has no idea if he's grateful or reluctant about it. He supposes he'll just have to decide after sitting here for awhile in a booth, and seeing who comes around.

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"And yet," Connor says, with just a slight grin, "It worked."

"I am going to get back at you someday," Kyle vowed dramatically before settling down to normal.

"So. Issues. Right."

Connor would respond to that threat, but. They seem to have switched again? "...I think we need to pick a track of conversation and stick to it." As this was just getting slightly confusing.

"I promise to stick to this one?" Kyle offered with a sheepish expression.

"I'm not even sure how to talk about the rest." Not that this had stopped him thus far, apparently, but.

"Just...say what comes off the top of your head?" He suggested. Even if it was confusing, you usually worked it out.

Connor gives him a wry smile. "You probably don't want to hear that one."

"Why not?" Kyle asked, puzzled.

Connor shakes his head. "Just... a moment to gather my thoughts?" Maybe figure out what he -should- say, rather than opposed to what he -wanted- to say.

Kyle nodded. He didn't mind giving Connor a bit of time and space.

"I think," Connor says finally, "I've been a little too unselfish."

How could he argue with that statement? He nodded, clearly agreeing.

"But it's hard." How could it not be, really? "Because I'd rather see other people happy, first."

"Did that make you feel happy, though? Helping others first, that is."

"It did. It does. I..." Hmm. How to even explain this. "I always wanted to help people, all my life. But when I was a child, I was too clouded by anger to do anything about it." He'd been the child always sent home from school with notes about more fights. He hadn't started them, but nevertheless, he'd always finished them. "And now, to be able to do what I want to do or others without being stopped by that... it's nice."

"Well, can't you say that if you enjoy helping others, that it isn't completely selfless?" Not that he was trying to take away from the value of good deeds, but if it was something Connor liked...

"That's not... the issue here, though." Nor did he really want to make it into one. "The issue is just finding a balance. And learning when it's okay to say something about myself."

Ah, okay. That made sense.

It was weird, seeing this from another point of view. Because for him, Connor was...Connor. He didn't really think about it; he just accepted Connor for who he was.

"I'm not good at the whole life lesson things, but that's...a trial and error thing, yeah?"

"Yes." Though it was the possibility of the 'error' part that always made it slightly terrifying. Somehow it was easier to face down a man with a gun than to tell someone about your problems. Hmm.

"But I think... there's something I need to say right now."

"What is it?" Kyle asked, cocking his head in curiosity as he waited for what it was that Connor felt that he had to announce to say before he actually said it.

"I'm realizing," Connor says, "That if I'm only hurting myself in an attempt to make something easier for someone, there might be something wrong with that." Not in every situation, but. There were a few, yes.

"And I hate to say it, but I've been letting myself be hurt around you."

Okay. So he had to admit, he hadn't seen that one coming. He blinked, then blinked again. And he didn't exactly know what he did wrong, but he didn't need to in order to feel guilty. He hadn't realized that he had put Connor in such a position, after all.

"I... I'm sorry."

And that was the problem, wasn't it? He hadn't been filled in with nearly enough information -to- know. Things might be far different if he had been.

"No. I don't want you to be." That wasn't what he was looking for here. "I just..." How, exactly, to put this? "I didn't think it'd be this hard. And I need to know if I'm waiting around for something, or if I should just... move on. Accept friendship and nothing more."

It -was- a fair question.

It was. And it was something that Kyle had mulled around about for a good amount of time, when he wasn't off saving a planet or two.

"No, I do need to apologize. I know that I haven't been the easiest to figure out lately." With all the stuff he had been going through, he hadn't even known what the hell was going on with his life. But being brought back to Oa to train the recruits really helped him.

"I like you Connor. I really do. And I'm willing to give this a try. But I know that I won't be the best boyfriend, I can tell you that off the bat. I'll be busy, I get too emotionally involved with other people..." All mistakes he'd made in the past. And those things didn't just suddenly change.

"But...if you'll have me, I-I'd like that," he said with a sheepish expression.

That... had not been the response Connor had been expecting at all, and it showed. Not that he knew what he'd been expecting. Just... certainly not that.

""I... are you sure? I mean..." Why was he questioning it? Well, really, the fact was, the whole time he'd been worried about pushing him. So of course he'd be worried about it now. "...if you're not ready..."