milliways_bar | (no subject)

"I don't know. You said... you said 'you are loved'. That doesn't work. It doesn't fit."

He can smell the blood. Sharp coppery tang, like airborne metal cloying at the back of his throat.

"You are. Why doesn't it work? Why doesn't it fit?"

He sips.

"I don't know. It just doesn't. Love doesn't happen to people like me."

Nick doesn't look at Alex.

"Then it shouldn't happen to people like me. I've killed...I've killed a hundred thousand people, Alex. Over the centuries. I'm...I'm a walking holocaust, Alex. And it happens to me. Has happened."

He sips.

"Is happening."

He fights back the urge to laugh again. Laughing now will not help things any. He rubs the fading bite mark again.

"I'm not used to it."

"I'm not used to it like this."

He watches him rub the bite mark again and he can't keep a hunger out of his eyes as he watches. It is not entirely bloodlust. In fact, it's mostly not about bloodlust.

Alex glances at him, and shivers slightly.

"Why are you looking at me like that?"

Nick blinks before looking at Alex. His eyes are clear and guileless.

"Why do you think I'm looking at you like that?"

It's not hostile. It's not much more than curious.

"I don't know. That'd be why I asked."

"You seem to think I have answers. You're wrong about that."

He sips.

"I'm staring because I made that mark."

"I never said you had answers. But you've probably got more than I do."

He looks away again, biting his lip.

"Why did you make it?"

Nick reaches out and runs one finger ever so lightly across the mark, eyes following the finger. He looks up to Alex with an unreadable look.

"Because I wanted to. Because I wanted to...I...your blood was..."

He lowers his eyes for a moment before looking at Alex again.

"Because I needed to."

He looks at the blood Nick's drinking.

"Is that human, or animal? Which one is better?"

He sounds genuinely curious.

"I'm sure I explained the blood to you...upstairs. What it is."

He sips.

"This is donor blood, from a bloodbank on my world. Expired, no longer useable. It's...fine. Duller than, say, from a...bite...or...fresher blood."

He looks up to Alex.

"Human. Human is always better."

"You did. That wasn't what I was asking."

He hesitates, then holds out his hand, the underside of his wrist facing Nick.

"Do you want to...?"

Nick almost nods before shaking his head.

"Too soon. It would hurt you. Full week is best."

He doesn't say he doesn't want to. Very pointedly.

"I...don't just want that. I should, but..."

He sips his blood. It's a large sip.

maybe I want it to hurt me

Alex shrugs and drinks more of his tea.

"I've lost blood before."

"I don't want to hurt you, Alex."

Which makes him feel like an even bigger hypocrite than usual.

"I don't...I...I want..."

He lifts his hand again and runs the back of his fingers down the side of Alex's face.

"This makes...so...no...I don't...this isn't sane."

neither am I. neither are you. we both said as much

He doesn't protest the fingers touching his face.

"I'm sure you know what masochism is."

"That's different."

He's well-aware...but he's always been more of a hedonist.

He watches his hands, watches them trail along the cheek to the jaw, watches them slide across the throat with the lightest of touches to rejoin the jaw on the other side. Finally he looks up.

"What do you think of all this? Aside from...that it doesn't fit."

"Different how?"

He lets Nick run his fingers over his face, his throat.

"Don't ask me to answer that. I don't think I can."

"This will just make you weak. As...as much as the problem with Meg is one thing...that kind of weakness isn't good for you. It's not...pain. It's just...no."

Nick's hand runs down the other side of Alex's neck. He watches before looking up at Alex.

"Why?"

"I would've thought you'd want me to lose."

He glances down at the bar, tracing the grain with his fingers.

Why? Because it's wrongright and he doesn't understand. So he says simply;

"I don't understand it."

"I do...because I know that Meg needs Anthy. And you should have approached Meg about this honestly instead of...doing as you did. But I don't want you...like that."

I want you better...

Nick's hand settles at the side of Alex's neck, his hand curled around and his thumb making light circles on Alex's jaw.

"I don't either. But...I...you as well?"

"Should've done a lot of things I didn't. Shouldn't've done a lot of things I did."

He keeps looking at the Bar, tracing idle shapes with his fingertips.