milliways_bar | (no subject)

"I'm sorry."

There is a world of pain in that word.

He leans a little further into Kitt.

"I know."

He wasn't used to being needed this vividly. Michael's need was much more understated. But Nick... He couldn't deny that he felt needed. In a way, it was gratifying. But worry overrode it all.

"How can I help, Nick? If I can do it, I will."

He doesn't speak...but a slight tremor overtakes him before stilling as he leans and burrows his head into Kitt's shoulder again.

"I just..."

He pulls away a little bit, giving Kitt a nod to let him know that he's all right...but not far enough to be fully out of the hug.

"Things...seem to be falling apart and I just...I feel very lost, Kitt. And then the other night...I...I don't know if I did a good thing or a bad thing but I couldn't help it either way."

It was something human. Something he had barely touched the fringes of. "Instinct," he said. "You followed your instinct."

He gently squeezed his hand on Nick's shoulders. "I don't have much knowledge on instinct. Instinct isn't something computers have. But making a decision based on an uncertain variable... I have done that. And I only knew I had chosen correctly after time had passed. Perhaps you need time. And... someone to depend upon."

"I don't want to be a burden on anyone. I don't...I don't want to cost anyone else happiness in order to...to deal with me. And I don't want to hurt anyone."

"Why do you think it would be a burden? My primary function is to help people. I am a person, so are you. And why do you think it would hurt me?" Kitt looked at Nick with honest curiosity. So little actually hurts him. He can't understand why this would be an exception.

Nick looks at him with glowing yellow eyes and fangs bared. He moves slowly so as not to startle him...but he has to make this point. Everyone who knows him should understand this. He doesn't want anyone hurt because they didn't. His voice, when he speaks, is pained...but calm and measured.

"Because I'm dangerous right now, Kitt. Because I...I've never been so close to...to..."

The fangs disappear into his mouth and the yellow glow of the eyes isn't so fearsome when there are red tears gathering in them.

And looking directly at Nick, with his own eyes naturally red, Kitt does not cringe away. His gaze is curious, perhaps, but not afraid. "You wouldn't hurt me. If you need blood from someone, rather than that from the bar, I would give it. I trust you."

But it did get a momentary faint smile. "If my blood is even real. I am here... virtually, after all. It's possible you would drink binary."

Nick closes his eyes and sighs deeply, so deeply for someone who doesn't need to breath, before looking at Kitt with clear blue eyes still filled with red tears that refuse to fall.

"Kitt, I...I know you would. And that's part of the worry. But...it's more than blood, Kitt. I could...I could hurt you without meaning to."

He looks up to Kitt sadly.

"Kitt, I broke a man's arm...hurt him. But I broke his arm in my hand, by squeezing. And I was holding back not to kill him. I don't...that isn't ME but I...I don't...I'm sorry."

"I backed into a man, Nick." There is distance in his voice now, as he tries to state what he means without hurting himself once more. "I discovered that on my first mission, the people we persued were the ones that had nearly killed Michael. They had shot him, trying to kill him... And in the end, she tried again, fired at my window at point blank range. The bullet ricoched and struck her. It killed her. And while I was reprogrammed, I was glad that it had been my window that had killed her, Nick.

"We aren't so different."

Nick can hear it in his voice. And he feels horrible.

"I'm sorry, Kitt. I...didn't mean to make you relive that."

"Nick," Kitt said, holding on to his shoulders, "it will always be in my memory, milliseconds away from access. It is part of me. I could kill, Nick. I could. Whether I would live afterward or not, I don't know. But I could. So could you. But neither one of us did."

Nick laughs, and the laugh is very very bitter.

"Kitt...I've killed...thousands. Thousands of people are dead...because of me. Because I was hungry...or angry...or amused...or wanted something. There are...almost as many reasons as there are faces in my mind, souls on my conscious. But I haven't slipped...haven't slipped like this in...in so long."

"And I had never intentionally backed into anyone before. If I had used the turbine, he would be dead." But Kitt still shrugged. "And the past doesn't always apply. If it did, I wouldn't trust my brother."

Nick says nothing. He just sort of leans back into Kitt.

So Kitt goes quiet as well, holding on to him, asking nothing of him. Just being there. He seems to need that, and it's something Kitt can give.

"I'm still sorry about it, about making you talk about that sort of thing...I know it...isn't pleasant. You're not the only one with a perfect memory."

He leans. He's quiet. He breaths in Kitt and calms just a little.

"Meg's going to kill me."

"I won't let her," Kitt assures him. The memories don't matter to him - they're always there. They always will be. "I care for you. It's the least I can do."

And then Kitt pauses, trying to think of -- ah, but no. He couldn't bring up the sun. Even if, to him, it was a happy memory. To Nick, it might bring up worse ones.

Nick laughs almost absentmindedly.

"Kitt? Is it...odd that I sort of want to be a car right now?"

"You would have an advantage over me, if you were in your car form right now," Kitt quietly informed him. "You were still put into your CPU when... when the emotional response limiters were still in place. That, I hypothesize, is why you would want to be a car."

But still... "If you truly wanted to, I'm sure Michael would welcome you. We're in New Mexico."

Nick blinks.

"I have no idea what you just said, Kitt...but the reason being a car sounds rather...appealing right now is the idea of just driving around with the sun on me...without a care in the world."

He smiles tiredly at Kitt.

"I really...that time there...the sunrise and everything. Despite the trouble, it will remaine one of my happiest memories, Kitt. You're a good friend."

"So are you, Nick. It was... interesting to have another car there. And I enjoyed teaching you, though I'm afraid I didn't get much of a chance." But then, he gives a small smile as well. "I'm glad you enjoyed it. I'm afraid that what happened afterward wasn't pleasant for either of us. But it's easy to remember that time without any regret."

For just a moment, he imagined himself, Nick, and Karr sitting at the end of Devon's runway, watching the sun come up. The image made him smile.

"Nick, do you promise to contact me if you need me?"

Nick looks down at the comlink as if it had appeared out of thin air...but he nods.

"Yes. If you'll do the same."

"You're the only one I know of here who could find me there. Of course I would call you." And then, he smiled a bit more. "I missed you."

"Sorry...I was..."

He looks rather sheepish.

"Out in the woods a few days, airing my...issues. There are...far fewer of those demonic bunnies at least."