milliways_bar | (no subject)

He opens his mouth to answer and wave away Kitt's concern...but then he closes his mouth.

Nick doesn't react for a moment, still as a stone once more. Nick is thinking. This...isn't a good thing, most of the time.

"Me."

He sips his blood.

"I felt like that three days ago. Michael helped me. Can I help you?" he asked softly. He didn't know what to offer, what he could do, if anything - but he offered all the same. "You came to help me..."

Nick finally looks at Kitt, really looks at him, and his eyes fill with concern.

"What...what happened, Kitt? What...what happened? I'm so sorry I wasn't there. I didn't...I mean, if I could have...I was...Natalie...and Alex...just...LaCroix...I..."

His head drops.

"Me."

"I was reprogrammed. Twice. I'll tell you the rest when you can hear it -- but Nick, please. Now is not the time." If this was anywhere else, it would be simple. He would open his driver's side door, entreat Nick inside, and darken the windows so they could talk. All he could do now was ask, "Do you want to speak in private? I still have my room here."

Nick would love to be Kitt the car. Or even just a car right now. The complexity and yet the simpleness of it...would be refreshing. But that would be running. And he can't run anymore.

He looks up to Kitt.

"No, I...I just. I...she left. And Meg lost the duel and then I...I hurt Alex because he had to know and then I tasted him and I knew and then I spoke to him and LaCroix was here and he told me he wanted me to be me but I don't know how to anymore. I just..."

He shakes his head.

"No...I...I don't want to burden you, Kitt...especially if you just went through trouble of your own. I...am so sorry that I wasn't around to help, to...to give you someone to speak to."

"I had Michael and I had Karr. I still do. I wasn't alone. Nick..." He reaches out then, gently grasping Nick's wrist... and from his pocket, he drew Nick's comlink, strapping it onto him most carefully. "This is yours."

And then, most carefully, he was hugging Nick again. "Lean on me, Nick, if you need to. It won't be too much for me."

System integrity was holding at a steady one-hundred percent. He could handle this.

He leans into the hug.

"Thank you."

He burrows his head a little in Kitt's shoulder. Arm. So frail. Human. Breakable. \Alex's arm in his hand\....\loud crack\...\smile\...

Nick startles a bit and thinks of pulling away. But he can't. It's too much and Kitt isn't Alex and Kitt is safe and knows what's going on and he's being hugged.

He hugged Nick as tightly as he dared. He had little muscle as a human, though, being much more slimly built. He did have tenacity, and that was how he held Nick. Fingers digging in securely to shoulder and back, instinct led and he tilted his head just slightly toward Nick's. An assurance that he was there. "I won't abandon you," he softly said. "Just like I won't abandon Michael."

"I'm sorry."

There is a world of pain in that word.

He leans a little further into Kitt.

"I know."

He wasn't used to being needed this vividly. Michael's need was much more understated. But Nick... He couldn't deny that he felt needed. In a way, it was gratifying. But worry overrode it all.

"How can I help, Nick? If I can do it, I will."

He doesn't speak...but a slight tremor overtakes him before stilling as he leans and burrows his head into Kitt's shoulder again.

"I just..."

He pulls away a little bit, giving Kitt a nod to let him know that he's all right...but not far enough to be fully out of the hug.

"Things...seem to be falling apart and I just...I feel very lost, Kitt. And then the other night...I...I don't know if I did a good thing or a bad thing but I couldn't help it either way."

It was something human. Something he had barely touched the fringes of. "Instinct," he said. "You followed your instinct."

He gently squeezed his hand on Nick's shoulders. "I don't have much knowledge on instinct. Instinct isn't something computers have. But making a decision based on an uncertain variable... I have done that. And I only knew I had chosen correctly after time had passed. Perhaps you need time. And... someone to depend upon."

"I don't want to be a burden on anyone. I don't...I don't want to cost anyone else happiness in order to...to deal with me. And I don't want to hurt anyone."

"Why do you think it would be a burden? My primary function is to help people. I am a person, so are you. And why do you think it would hurt me?" Kitt looked at Nick with honest curiosity. So little actually hurts him. He can't understand why this would be an exception.

Nick looks at him with glowing yellow eyes and fangs bared. He moves slowly so as not to startle him...but he has to make this point. Everyone who knows him should understand this. He doesn't want anyone hurt because they didn't. His voice, when he speaks, is pained...but calm and measured.

"Because I'm dangerous right now, Kitt. Because I...I've never been so close to...to..."

The fangs disappear into his mouth and the yellow glow of the eyes isn't so fearsome when there are red tears gathering in them.

And looking directly at Nick, with his own eyes naturally red, Kitt does not cringe away. His gaze is curious, perhaps, but not afraid. "You wouldn't hurt me. If you need blood from someone, rather than that from the bar, I would give it. I trust you."

But it did get a momentary faint smile. "If my blood is even real. I am here... virtually, after all. It's possible you would drink binary."

Nick closes his eyes and sighs deeply, so deeply for someone who doesn't need to breath, before looking at Kitt with clear blue eyes still filled with red tears that refuse to fall.

"Kitt, I...I know you would. And that's part of the worry. But...it's more than blood, Kitt. I could...I could hurt you without meaning to."

He looks up to Kitt sadly.

"Kitt, I broke a man's arm...hurt him. But I broke his arm in my hand, by squeezing. And I was holding back not to kill him. I don't...that isn't ME but I...I don't...I'm sorry."

"I backed into a man, Nick." There is distance in his voice now, as he tries to state what he means without hurting himself once more. "I discovered that on my first mission, the people we persued were the ones that had nearly killed Michael. They had shot him, trying to kill him... And in the end, she tried again, fired at my window at point blank range. The bullet ricoched and struck her. It killed her. And while I was reprogrammed, I was glad that it had been my window that had killed her, Nick.

"We aren't so different."

Nick can hear it in his voice. And he feels horrible.

"I'm sorry, Kitt. I...didn't mean to make you relive that."

"Nick," Kitt said, holding on to his shoulders, "it will always be in my memory, milliseconds away from access. It is part of me. I could kill, Nick. I could. Whether I would live afterward or not, I don't know. But I could. So could you. But neither one of us did."

Nick laughs, and the laugh is very very bitter.

"Kitt...I've killed...thousands. Thousands of people are dead...because of me. Because I was hungry...or angry...or amused...or wanted something. There are...almost as many reasons as there are faces in my mind, souls on my conscious. But I haven't slipped...haven't slipped like this in...in so long."

"And I had never intentionally backed into anyone before. If I had used the turbine, he would be dead." But Kitt still shrugged. "And the past doesn't always apply. If it did, I wouldn't trust my brother."

Nick says nothing. He just sort of leans back into Kitt.

So Kitt goes quiet as well, holding on to him, asking nothing of him. Just being there. He seems to need that, and it's something Kitt can give.

"I'm still sorry about it, about making you talk about that sort of thing...I know it...isn't pleasant. You're not the only one with a perfect memory."

He leans. He's quiet. He breaths in Kitt and calms just a little.

"Meg's going to kill me."